Celebrity Santas whose laps we fear to sit on

​Aside for obvious problems with suspension of disbelief -- how are we going to pretend Chris "The Birdman" Andersen is Santa when we already know he's The Birdman? -- hiring a celebrity to play Kris Kringle can create a slew of dissonance and mildly disturbing associations, particularly if that celebrity has a, ahem, tarnished reputation (is that really snow on your beard, Santa?). Nevertheless, there are far creepier candidates to play Santa than little old drug-suspension Birdman. So in advance of his appearance as Santa at the J.W. Marriott on Sunday, we give you nine other celebrity laps we'd just as soon avoid.

​Scottie Ewing
"Swinging" Scottie Ewing was a professional skier once upon a time, but these days is better known as a swingers'-club proprietor and alleged high-end pimp -- though even back in his pro-ski days, his business card credited his occupation as "male prostitute." You know that song "Baby, It's Cold Outside?" Think of Scottie Ewing as the male singer, and then shudder.

Ted Haggard
Speaking of male prostitutes, who could forget the story of Ted Haggard, the pious evangelical pastor who was outed by a beefcake rent-a-boy for purchasing meth and, ahem, utilizing his services? We're still pretty gleeful about that one, but we definitely do not want to tell him what we want for Christmas.

Hello... ladies.

​Tom Martino
For a nominal fee of just a couple of thousand bucks, Tom "The Troubleshooter" Martino will endorse Tom "The Troubleshooter" Martino as an excellent candidate to play Santa Clause as played by Tom "The Troubleshooter" Martino. Now, doesn't that make you feel secure?

Dealin' Doug Moreland
We can't really pinpoint it, but something about this guy just makes us nervous.