Festivus and ten more made-up holidays for the Holidays
Tomorrow, Rick Gold will host a traditional Fesitvus celebration at the Shag Lounge. There, you can commune around the Festivus pole, air some grievances and perform some feats of strength. There will also be a ($5 maximum) gift exchange. In honor of disillusionment everywhere, we present 10 more alternate celebrations from the week Jesus was (definitely wasn't) born.
10. Heat Miser Day
- Turn the thermostat up to 80 degrees (Mother Nature loves this holiday).
- Microwave whatever shitty garage sale gift your great aunt sent you.
- Sing the song, obviously.
9. Grapefruit Day
- Turns out, you can mail order fantastic grapefruits from Texas at this time of year. Do it.
- Hold a a grapefruit slicing contest so you can laugh at your fruit-novice friends.
- Throw away the grapefruits. Compared with other citrus, even a good one's pretty paltry.
8. Night Vision Night
- More darkness this week than any other time of year. Turn off all the lights once the sun goes down.
- Put on night vision goggles.
- Play tag.
7. Hollywood Day Trip
- Go to one of the many movies that get released Christmas week.
- Sneak in a dozen mini-bottles of vodka.
- Drink, cry, repeat.
6. Nutcracker's Eve
- Get a bag of mixed nuts in shell and a geode.
- Gather all your friends and have a contest to see who can crack the most nuts using only your bodies and a parking lot. Extra points for macadamias. Those fuckers put up a fight.
- Winner gets to break open the geode with a chisel.
5. Old Year's Day
- Before making promises for the New Year, you must explore your regrets from the Old Year.
- Make a list of things you wish hadn't happened this year.
- Post them to your blog.
- Gather your entire extended family in one place.
- Put the younger generation in uncomfortable, oversized clothing.
- Have the middle generation get a little drunk.
- Everyone tell embarrassing stories about whoever brought a new girlfriend/boyfriend.
3. Football Fanatics Festival
- Watch every single bowl game, every single NFL game and Texas's high school state championship.
- When there isn't a game going on, talk about games you just saw or are about to see with everyone around you.
- Do not wuss out right before New Year's Day. Get a Clockwork Orange style viewing chair if necessary.
2. Cell Phone Jam Session Day
- Gather a bunch of people. Turn the key pad tones up as loud as possible on your cell phones.
- Invent songs, drum circle style.
- Watch as attractive, eligible singles flock to you.
- Put a boulder weighing no less than 100 pounds in the center of your living room.
- Decorate it with colorful graffiti and one (ONLY ONE) string of Christmas lights. That's plenty.
- Play Led Zeppelin's IV and Meatloaf's Bat Outta Hell all day on repeat.