Jersey Shore Cast: Where will they be in ten years?

Categories: Popular Culture

snookie.jpg
The end of your fame draws nigh.
Lower Snooki in a ball in Times Square on New Year's Eve while The Situation and other cast members lead a Guinness-breaking fist pump. That was MTV's original plan, but the authorities shot it down. They're doing it in Jersey instead. Season three of the show starts next week, and this right now is clearly the apex of celebrity for these people -- it's all downhill from here. Where will they be in ten years? We have some guesses.

Jersey Shore Cast in 2020

DJ Pauly D
Occupation: DJ, duh
Blown it all on: Hair gel and board shorts
Has been arrested on charges of: Possession of a controlled substance
Will bang you for: $200

Snooki
Occupation: Minor-league baseball mascot
Blown it all on: Costco's snack food aisle
Has been arrested on charges of: Indecent exposure
Will bang you for: $1,000

Sammi Sweetheart
Occupation: Stay-at-home mom
Blown it all on: Salon trips
Has been arrested on charges of: Vandalism
Will bang you for: $3,000

Ronnie
Occupation: WWE superstar
Blown it all on: (wait for it...) Steroids
Has been arrested on charges of: Assault, obviously
Will bang you for: $2,000

Vinny
Occupation: Unemployed
Blown it all on: Video games and shit from Brookstone
Has been arrested on charges of: Nothing. Vinny's no criminal.
Will bang you for: $3,000

Angela
Who gives a shit about Angela?

Jwoww
Occupation: Auto magazine model
Blown it all on: Hasn't. For some reason we feel Jwoww is the 50 Cent of this crowd.
Has been arrested on charges of: Assault
Will bang you for: $20,000

The Situation
Occupation: Strip club bouncer
Blown it all on: Strippers
Has been arrested on charges of: Sexual harassment
Will bang you for: Free


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