Santa's appearance at DIA was the crappiest Christmas miracle ever

Photo courtesy Denver Int'l Airport

​If you think about it, Santa is kind of like God: He's omniscient (he knows when you are sleeping), he's omnipresent (how else does he deliver presents to everyone except for kids in third-world countries all in one night?), not to mention he sits in judgment of sinners and the righteous, or at least naughty and nice. And so, like Joan Osborne's "One of Us," Denver International Airport's Santa appearance yesterday was a gimmick that worked on the myth of Santa like kryptonite, reducing the legend to some everyday schmoe.

The publicity stunt was conceived to recognize the 50 millionth traveler to DIA in 2010, who just happened to turn out to be old Kris Kringle. According to a DIA press release, "Airport officials met Great Lakes flight #1225 at gate A68 this morning to count down to passenger number 50,000,000 and recognize him or her with a ceremonial prize. Manager of Aviation Kim Day and Great Lakes Chief Executive Officer Chuck Howell were taken aback when they saw the lucky traveler step off the plane and realized who it was: Santa Claus."

Photo courtesy Denver Int'l Airport

​As an explanation for why he was flying commercial instead of in his magical sleigh -- the Christmas equivalent of a corporate jet -- Santa told DIA officials, "I gave the reindeer a day off. They're getting 'hooficures' and enjoying a spa day." Apparently, Santa's reindeer are a tad more "festive" than previously thought, if you're catching our drift.

"In town on business," the press release continued, "Santa flew into Denver to meet with Englewood-based navigational experts Jeppesen and secret government officials near Colorado Springs to firm up his holiday flight plans." Which, Jesus, that just sounds sinister. Maybe they were pressuring Santa to cut off gifts to WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange.

On the bright side, though, reports indicate Santa's flight arrived on-time and he wasn't bumped due to overbooking -- which, at least around this time of year, actually might be the greatest Christmas miracle of all.