The Ratcracker and ten other sad endings to Christmas stories

Categories: Lists

Everyone knows The Nutcracker, but few people know the story -- and that's for a good reason: It's is so slight, it's almost incoherent. Yeah, there's a pseudo-plot in the first act about a battle with a Rat King or something, but that's all wrapped up by the second act, which is devoted pretty much entirely to denouement, where random characters, you know, do dances and stuff. Not so in The Ratcracker. In Boulder troupe Frequent Flyers Productions' version, the Rat King wins.

Because we're twisted, hateful scrooges, we like that idea. So in the spirit of misanthropy, here are ten more "alternate" endings to your favorite Christmas stories. Bah. Humbug.

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10. Frosty melts
Of course, Frosty melts in the original version, too, but then he's restored to life by Santa, because he is made out of "Christmas snow," which can never truly melt away. We know this is bullshit, because Santa can deliver toys to all the children in a single night and has a flying sleigh and everything, but it's not like he's Jesus, raising folks from the dead. Frosty will not be back on Christmas day.

9. Grinch actually steals Christmas
Whoville awakes Christmas morning to find all their shit absconded with. Enraged, the Whos gather torches and pitchforks, assemble an angry mob and storm up the mountain, where they find their holiday ham eaten and their decorations unspeakably desecrated. The Grinch's heart, unfortunately, proves two sizes too small to display on a stake outside the village as a warning to others.

8. Ralphie shoots eye out
His mother warned him it was going to happen. The shame of missing an eyeball causes Ralphie to mature into a basement-dwelling neckbeard, the only bonus of which outcome is that his eye-patch compliments his piracy of role-play video games and obscure fetish pornography.

7. Good King Wenceslas not so good
Bitter disappointment ensues when the heat miraculously radiating from the footsteps of the good king turn out in fact to be a flaming paper sack full of dog poo, providing a historical precedent for the tragic career of Adam Sandler.

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6. Future revealed by ghost of Christmas future is actual future
Scrooge dies and nobody cares. Then Tiny Tim dies. Shitty.

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