What week is it? A breakdown of everything you could be celebrating, January 3-9

We're still unclear on why the caged bird sings.

​The Christmas-New Year's stretch is over. The presents are opened, the fruitcakes eaten and the splurged-on "holiday cognac" consumed in a flurry of inappropriately commingled bodily fluids and chemically repressed despair, leaving you spent, exhausted and, as usual, covered in vomit. You barely have the energy to crawl out of the neighbor's yard, let alone celebrate anything. Not to worry. Luckily for you, January heralds the coming of some extremely boring holidays.

For example, January is National Bath Safety Month, which, it's pretty hard to think of a more boring observance than that. So coined by the boringly named United States Consumer Product Safety Commission, National Bath Safety Month serves to bring awareness to the fact that more children drown in bathtubs than any other product in or around the home. What other product in and around the home they might drown in remains unclear.

It's also National Blood Donor Month, which honors those who give or have given blood -- it's unspecified how they bestow that honor, but we hear they give you a cookie if you donate, so that's cool. Last time we went in there, though, they told us we weren't allowed to donate until we were no longer sweating drinkable Jim Beam, so whatever. We don't need their cookie anyway.

Wednesday brings National Bird Day, not to be confused with the similar Bird Day, Celebrated May 4 to raise awareness for conservation efforts, or International Bird Day, observed on the second Saturday in May to celebrate the migratory patterns of birds. For its part, National Bird Day was established by bird activists to highlight the exploitation of birds by the pet industry.

Birds in cages. Sounds like our life, man.