Spiderman the musical and other things Bono can't save

Categories: Lists, Theater

Spiderman: Much better at saving the world than Bono.
Bono recently took time out of his busy touring schedule to save his investment opportunity, Spiderman: Turn Off the Dark -- a Broadway musical boasting tunes written by the investor himself, daredevil scenes of amazing acrobatics and, according to a November New York Times interview, "wows from the soul and heart."

Surprisingly for Bono, but perhaps not for anyone else, the musical is failing. The $65 million production is running months behind schedule and plagued with technical difficulties, and there is probably nothing that's going to save it. That's nothing new, however. Just chalk one more up on an elite list of shit Bono, his tight leather jeans, and his good intentions just can't save.

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Meanwhile, AIDS continued.
Remember AIDS? Of course you do. Because despite Bono's heroic attempt to make saving the world "sexy" by working with popular retailers like GAP and Abercrombie & Fitch to offer RED clothing -- clothing featuring the charity's logo that sold for fifty percent profit and fifty percent charity proceeds -- AIDS still exists. Apparently, no amount of looking sexy in red shirts or wearing Matrix-esque sunglasses was going to save the world from AIDS.

4. Poverty
Bono tried to end poverty by cofounding ONE, yet another three-letter charity organization devoted to selling sexy clothing and featuring star-studded advertising. The premise behind ONE? According to the charity's website, "we're not asking for your money, we're asking for your voice." Whatever good that's supposed to do. While it might be unclear what you can do to help ONE end poverty, it's clear that the charity seems to be helping themselves more, according to reports accusing ONE of giving less than one percent of their own proceeds to the starving.

Still not saved.
3. Africa
Why stop at saving the world from a measly virus or something as simple as not eating when you could step it up and save an entire continent? That's exactly what Bono tried to do when he focused his charity career on his favorite struggling continent: Africa. And despite group celebrity concerts like Live Aid (featuring the famed single, "Do They Know It's Christmas?"), Band Aid, and Live 8, Africa still exists in turmoil -- full of AIDS, poverty and the tragedy of not knowing it was recently Christmas.

2. Ireland
On Christmas Eve, 2009, Bono surprised the citizens of Dublin by joining Damien Rice, Mundy and Glen Hansard in giving an impromptu one-hour concert to benefit the homeless of Ireland. No specifics were given concerning how a one-hour street concert raised any money at all, but either way, the homeless in Ireland joined the unemployed and uneducated in Ireland as people Bono couldn't save.

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1. Miss Sarajevo
Bono's song, Miss Sarajevo, tells the story of a beauty queen in Sarajevo, who tours the war-torn country to win her crown. In 1997, Bono decided to perform the song in Italy with Pavarotti to raise awareness and make a bold point concerning the humanitarian struggles of Bosnia. He even invited Inela Nogic, the real-life Miss Sarajevo. But he couldn't perform the song. Because he had a sore throat.

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These are problems that a single person can solve on their own. It is going to take a universal awareness and shift in attitude and that is what Bono is trying to do and is actually doing quite well. I don't think Bono ever thought he could solve them single-handedly.


Freedom of speech is hard to appreciate when you're dumb. Also, get a job.


Before I start, let me say that I'm not much of a Bono fan. I don't really care for U2 (of their albums I like "Zooropa" and "Pop" best and can't be bothered with much else, which is heresy to U2 diehards). I liked the first two Spiderman features, but had no interest in the musical.

Here are some things I do care about a little: AIDS, poverty, homelessness and all the other stuff Tiffany pretends to have given up on. Bono may be an insufferable celebrity, but at least he's trading on his celebrity to attempt real change in the world. I don't really do much to help these issues aside from small charitable donations and (very) occasional volunteer work, so hey, Bono has my respect as far as that goes.

You know what, forget about that. That doesn't even matter. What matters is that this article is terrible. Not from a moral standpoint, just from a everything standpoint. If Tiffany Fitzgerald wants to pretend she's too cool to care, well who cares? Who honestly cares if Tiffany Fitzgerald thinks Bono's sundry plights are hopeless? Seriously, who are you? An intern? Wait, are you Keith Richards? Because if you're Keith Richards, Tiffany Fitzgerald, then I care about anything you have to say about a rockstar trading on his celebrity. Otherwise, go the fuck away.

Don't get me wrong, if the Westword wants to occupy a nihilist "everything-is-pointless" viewpoint, then do it. Own it. That viewpoint can be as valid as a lot of other viewpoints. Get someone who knows from what to tell Bono off for real, not just use the Spiderman musical as an excuse to write disingenuous (and seriously unfunny) tripe about AIDS and poverty and try to pass that off as "edgy." This article is bullshit, pretending to be blase about the world, writing snark for the sake of snark, with no real substance or content other than Wikipedia'd information filtered through what I suspect is a self-absorped and calculating mind. Tiffany will get page views with this awful hater-baiting blog post, and the Westword will like that and give her more work.

I guess that's how it works. Good job, guys!


You are a bitter a-hole. What good have YOU tried to do the world? Give the guy a break.


That was meant for the replies, not for the article.


Funny, it seemed to apply more to the article.

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