Facebook adds domestic partnership, civil union relationship statutes. Here's ten they missed.

Categories: The Internetz

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Facebook bowed to demand for more relationship status options for homosexual couples, adding "In a domestic partnership" and "In a civil union" to the drop-down menu late last week. We're certainly glad more people can accurately express themselves on the internet, but we must say we still feel Facebook is stifling a great many people out here. Love is a many-splendored thing, and we need at least... 25 things, if we're going to capture it all.

We've done extensive research on the many ins and outs of relationships and, below, our top ten most-requested options. In order to avoid any confusion for real-life people, we've used a random name generator to come up with examples.

1. Clayton Schull is in love with Sharron Ehrmann, but she's into Julio Mummert
What we've found is that people are just exasperated with their inability to express nuance on Facebook. It's really putting a damper on their ability to just live out an entire fantasy world within their account.

2. Loraine Maffucci is really focused on her career right now
Look, you might as well wear hooker boots if you're gonna change your status to "single," amiright? This way, you can complete your profile without sending the wrong signals.

3. Waldo Harth is hot for teacher
Any excuse to post this video, really.

4. Rae Corker is constantly checking Saundra Delcastillo's profile for bikini pictures
There should be some accountability for this sort of behavior. This one would be automatic -- if someone has no other facebook interactions of any kind with you, but they're spending long chunks of time going through your photos, this status engages automatically.

5. Clayton Hakes just can't quit Javier Luick
Sorry about that.

6. Kelvin Mortimore is fuck buddies with Gisela Faries
It's 2011, people -- there's nothing to be ashamed of. That's why Hollywood keeps churning out romantic comedies predicated upon meaningless relationships. Nevermind that they always turn them into real ones -- movies are always lying.

7. Ellie Heminger has decided to adopt eight cats
When it's time to mail it in, it's time to mail it in. Anyone see last week's 30 Rock with the Liz-Lemon-decides-to-become-a-spinster plot arc? It was incredible.

8. Archie Andrepont got to second base on his third date with Vernell Tangen
You could customize which base and which date here as well. In conjunction with this relationship status, we propose Facebook also roll out a "high five" option to coincide with the "like" button.

9. Dona Anastasio is in love with a stripper
"Got the body of a goddess/Got eyes butter pecan brown, I see you girl/Droppin' low/She comin' down from the ceiling/To tha floo'."

10. Rafaela Calkin is in a relationship with a twenty pound bag of conversation hearts that were 75 percent off
We are not jaded about relationships at all. Obviously. That's why we spent so much time oozing goodwill on Monday.



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