What week is it? A breakdown of everything you could be celebrating, February 7-13

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Terribly sorry about that, David Tomlinson.
Other than Valentine's Day -- a holiday people only celebrate because they are obligated to through some perverse, greeting card company-engineered social mechanism -- there's a pretty intense dry spell of holidays between New Year's Day and somewhere around Easter, unless you're counting Lent, the other celebration that actually increases suffering. We're shameless enablers, though, and that's why each Monday we faithfully bring you all the holidays that could possibly give you an excuse to drink excessively, even if they're weird and obscure -- this week, though... man, they are just ludicrously obscure. Case in point: Today is Wave All Your Fingers at Your Neighbor Day.

Even if your neighbors didn't have a restraining order against you since you did that awful thing to their compost pile, this suggestion is still, for you, probably inadvisable. A friendly wave -- a tip of the hat, if you will -- sure, that's all well and good. But all your fingers? There's just something creepy about that. The other holiday that falls on today isn't really much better: Send a Card to a Friend Day? Come on. That's the most shameless greeting card company plug since Valentine's Day. Besides, you don't need friends. You're a lone wolf.

Tomorrow also sports two possible celebrations, but again, they're not that good. The first option is Boyscout Day, but you've been banned from the Boyscouts since you did that awful thing to... we'll just leave it at that. It's also Kite Flying Day, but you haven't flown a kite since they kicked you off the set of Mary Poppins when you did that awful thing to David Tomlinson. Wednesday is Toothache Day.

Jesus, that is a terrible holiday.

Thursday and Friday don't fare much better, with Umbrella Day (that one's okay, but only if it happens to be raining, otherwise you'll go out with an umbrella and just look like a damn chump) and Don't Cry Over Spilled Milk Day, respectively, and you wouldn't even think about crying if you spilled your milk. If you spilled your milk, you would go fucking ballistic, like you did that time they fired you from the Dairy Plant when you did that awful thing to the udder pump. And then Saturday is Make a Friend Day, which, we've already established why that's stupid.

The only decent day this week is Sunday, closing out the week with Plum Pudding Day, which we all know is awesome because it has booze in it. So make sure you eat a lot. You're going to need some booze to forget what a crappy week it was.

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