Jersey Shore 3 Episode 13, The Finale: Here's to never seeing The Situation ever again

King of the toolbox
​Really? We mean, really? The Situation is still hooked on the Sammi and Ronnie fight drug? As if this guy needed to play himself out any more like the bored, oversexed, tan and drama-addicted freak show that he is, this finale episode opens to just that. He's on the duck phone with his boy who supposedly hooked up with Sammi, then Ronnie gets on the duck phone, then Sammi gets on the duck phone and boom -- The sitch gets his blowout. Family dinner still goes down as planned, and everyone eats while -- surprise!-- Ronnie and Sammi fight. 

Anyway, back in reality, for some reason, Danny -- the man that owns the fake job t-shirt shop -- is throwing a goodbye barbeque for the staff, er, cast. Everyone is allowed to invite two or three friends, meaning we actually get see a little semi-intelligent entertainment added to the mix. Vinny's Uncle Nino comes out and throws down like the pimp he is, JWoww brings her awkward dad and Deena brings her hot friend. Hot friend tries to talk to Vinnie, and Deena intercepts, drunkenly mumbling something about him being Snooki's -- which he is not. Snooki doesn't even seem to give a shit, but no matter. Deena drives herself between the hook-up, and no one is happy about it.

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Bree Davies
At the party, Sammi asks Ronnie to choose between her and The Situation, and Ronnie basically picks The Sitch. Barf. The party is over, and a shuttle takes the crew and some friends back to the house. There, Deena drunkenly re-starts the drama that she created with Vinnie earlier in the night, cock-blocking her hot friend in the process while making everyone in the house hate her. On this last night of Jersey Shore-ness, Deena basically manages to turn her luke warm position as the cast add-on into a sad and bitter one. Not that we expected much from the Snooki knock-off. 

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The next morning, in the grossest way possible, The Situation tries to fake apologize to Sammi. He uses his shady soft speaking voice, which we assume is supposed to mean he's being sincere -- but he just sounds like a predator. Deena doesn't remember much of the night before, but decides to pout anyway. The crew then grabs what might be lunch or dinner together at some Italian joint before going home to put on hairspray and go out. 

At the club, Roger asks JWoww to officially be his girlfriend, proving that he may be the only respectable man in the history of this whole show. JWoww looks especially tan and shiny and booby in this episode, and it is appreciated. We love JWoww. Anyway, 
Deena and Snooki are making messes of themselves all over the club, before Snooks decides to bring home this dude Nick that she's smooshed before. She makes him a grilled cheese and then they go to bed and try to have sex under the lens of the creepy MTV night vision smash room camera. 

The rest of the cast trickles home, and of course, Ronnie and Sammi are fighting. The volume level of their fighting is at like, at an eleven, so everyone in the house can hear. All movement ceases as the entire crew listens to them tear each other apart. Again. Eventually, Ronnie comes out of the hate pit, sobbing. 

The next morning, Ronnie and Sammi have another one of those "this is it" conversations about their dead horse relationship. There is a lot of discussion of the state of the relationship, and a lot of close-ups of their furrowing brows. We then get to watch everyone pack, making Sammi and Ronnie's fighting actually look entertaining for a split second. Goodbyes are said, and Snooki admits to the camera directly that she really prefers Ronnie to Sammi. The end.

Semi-memorable quotes: 

"I can do the worm pretty good; I just didn't want my cooca to come out." - Snooki

"Whiskey dick is when a guy can't have sex for like, five hours, because he's so drunk. Or his penis is so drunk." - Snooki 

"Nobody touches my clams. I'll cut their fingers off." - Ronnie

"Why are you upset about you being a cockblocker?" - Vinnie 

"Have sex with an old man, steal a plant, get arrested. Do whatever." - Snooki

"It's our last day at The Shore Store, and I have the full intention of not working today at all." - Ronnie 

"I actually base my outfits on my kicks -- I start from the ground up." - Pauly D

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