What week is it? A breakdown of everything you could be celebrating, March 21 - 27

A damn sight more interesting than trees.

​It's now officially spring, and with it today comes Earth Day, the day when we thank nature for not being so goddamned cold for the next few months by planting a tree and then getting into our cars, guzzling cash-crop coffee out of Styrofoam containers, throwing them out the window and causing several onlooking Native Americans to silently weep tears of consternation. And... Thank God that hippie shit is over with. Now let's move on to the holidays we're really interested in this week, many of which are dedicated to random foods.

Interestingly, along with being Earth Day, it's also Extraterrestrial Abductions Day -- meaning if all goes well, you could celebrate the earth by getting beamed up from it and then having your anus probed, because everyone knows is the first thing that happens when people get abducted by extraterrestrials is they probe our anuses. The reason for their apparent fascination with our anuses remains unknown, but certain scientists speculate that it may be because our anuses are the most interesting thing about us.

On a non-anus-related note, Wednesday heralds the coming of National Chip and Dip day, the trump-card follow-up to last week's National Potato Chip Day. Because fuck that day. It's a new day today, and we refuse to eat any boring-ass plain potato chips when we could be dipping them in other foods before eating them. In fact, fuck foods altogether unless they are dipped in other foods, because Thursday is National Chocolate-Covered Raisin Day, and you can be damn sure we're not planning on eating a single fucking raisin unless it is.

Friday continues the trend of combining foods with other foods by offering up both Pecan Day and Waffle Day, which any slobbering rube might think to celebrate by making pecan waffles, but we plan to celebrate by dumping pecans in waffle batter, deep-frying it and sculpting the result to look like an enormous pecan, then making an even more enormous waffle containing those enormous pecans.

And if we can't do that, then bring on the lobster stuffed with tacos!