Fast Five is this week's most ridiculous trailer

Categories: Film

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In the closing moments of the trailer for Fast Five, while the central cast is dramatically slow-mo walking toward the camera and away from the sunset as if to say, damn, lookit how badass we are, there is a curious incongruity: In that shot, there are eight people, not five. Which might lead you to wonder which five are the fast ones, until it occurs to you that it's called Fast Five because it's the fifth and least necessary entry to a canon since the seventeenth time Jason escaped out of hell. Then again, if you're a dude whose name is Vin Diesel, you're going to need a vehicle that allows you to drive a series of good-looking vehicles irresponsibly. And that is pretty much the sole reason for this movie's existence.

When an action series starts climbing up to this kind of lofty amount of sequels, really the only way to justify the existence of another one is to make it even more ludicrously over-the-top than the one before, and in that sense, Fast Five does not fail to deliver. All told, there are something like eight car-wrecks and six explosions in this two-minute trailer, which, totaled up, equals roughly one car wreck or explosion every 8.7 seconds.

Of course, all those car-wrecks and explosions are packed into the same baggage: There's a crew of dudes (and one or two obligatory hot chicks) who drive really fast, and they're going to steal something real easy-like, but then the plan goes awry and car-chases, fist-fights and the gratuitous blowing of of shit ensues for the next 45 minutes or so. "It's a stealth mission; we'll be in and out before they even know we were there," you say, Paul Walker? Oh, really? Methinks you may be mistaken -- in fact, it's likely that this mission is going to go from "Mission Impossible" to "Mission im-freakin'-sanity!" Hai-o! Bonus: You are likely to encounter a lot of random shots of hot chicks' asses along the way.

At any rate, if that's the case, you might as well just wait for Fast Six: Face-Meltingly Fast or whatever to come out, because you'll basically be seeing the same movie except for more of what you came for, all for the same exorbitant price.

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