What week is it? A breakdown of everything you could be celebrating, April 25 - 30
Now that Easter is over and you're back on all the vices you gave up during Lent, it's time to unwind a little bit. Jk, you didn't give up anything during Lent -- quitting things is for the weak willed and poor of spirit -- but it's still time to unwind a little bit, which you can do by observing Dyngus Day, also known as Wet Monday, both of which sound like dick jokes but are actually religious holidays celebrated in eastern Europe (well, really, Wet Monday sounds like a vagina joke). But the way they are celebrated is like some shit out of Girls Gone Wild: Poland -- basically, Polish boys wake up girls by dumping buckets of water on their heads and then strike them about the legs with switches made of twigs.
Be sure to decorate your whip before whipping anybody.
Like most weird-ass holidays -- Easter, for example -- this one probably originates from the confluence of paganism and Christianity; theoretically, the dumping of water and the switches were a pagan springtime rite, and then Christianity validated it, glazed it over with some stuff about a baptism and made it officially the day after Easter. Whatever the case, it's an excuse to dump water on your girlfriend and then strike her about the legs with switches, and that's all we need. Also -- why the hell not? -- it's World Penguin Day, too.
But the party does not stop there, because the fourth week of April is National Karaoke Week, Which means you'll want to stay drunk pretty much noon to night so you'll stay nice and lubed up for your weeklong performance of "Born to Run" with a portable karaoke machine on endless repeat. At least that's what we plan to do. It's also Administrative Assistants Week, during which we will pledge to go a whole week without sloppily groping at our administrative assistants -- haha, seriously though, we'll be sloppily groping them even more than usual, because we'll be drunk as hell for "Born to Run," and because they deserve a little affection for once in their lives, especially tomorrow on Executive Admin's Day. You hear that, baby? We're promoting you to executive.
Tuesday is also Hug an Australian Day, so go ahead and do that if you know any Australians -- just don't hug a manta ray like that one Australian did because he got stung in the heart and he died, which sounds sort of like a Warrant lyric but is a true story. Meanwhile, Thursday is Kiss Your Mate Day, which, given Hug and Australian Day, kind of implies that you're supposed to kiss your buddy (because they call their buddies "mates" there -- you just got a geography lesson), and that would be gay. In fact, though, that's not the case; it's more like "mate" in the biological sense of "person you have sex with."
So go ahead, kiss your administrative assistant, slap her about the legs and ankles with some twigs, douse her with water and then take her out to the Red Lobster, because Friday is National Shrimp Scampi Day, and she deserves it.