What week is it? A breakdown of everything you could be celebrating, April 4 - 10
Well, it's National Hug a Newsman Day today, and we've got to tell you, we're a little uncomfortable with this. We've seen the way you look at us, with your lustful eyes, always licking your lips, which for some reason always leaves some kind of gelatinous white residue around your mouth. Maybe you should drink more water -- that shit is pretty disgusting. Anyway, since it's a national holiday and all, just on this one occasion we guess you can hug us, but leave at least a foot of space between our crotches and don't you dare grope us like you did that one guy on Fox News a couple of years ago. We'll just be glad when this whole thing is over and we can focus on World Health Day, which for you we'd recommend celebrating by washing your hands once in a while. 
You can do better.
In fact, hand-washing may well be one of the components of the World Health Organizations five-pronged approach to fighting antimicrobial diseas, which it will unveil as a tie-in to World Health Day on Thursday. But whatever -- five-pronged approaches are boring. The day we're more interested in is Plan Your Epitaph Day, which falls on Wednesday. And might we offer a few suggestions:
Friday gets a little less morbid with Draw A Picture of A Bird Day, but then the morbidity comes right back around on Saturday with Winston Churchill Day, which doesn't sound that depressing until you consider the circumstances of how it came to be. "Why April 9?" you may or may not be asking, and we will tell you: April 9, 1963 is the day that Winston Churchill became the first person ever to be named an honorary U.S. Citizen. Pretty nice, right? Except Winston Churchill was dead in 1963. So, fat lot of good that did him.
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