Hey. Bro. Sports: Anthony Weiner and the dick pic hall of shame
New York Rep. Anthony Weiner -- Hold up. Get it? His name is Weiner. That's his name, and also it refers to a penis. If you spell it differently. Funny stuff huh -- Weiner faces a dirty photos scandal because he took pictures of his dick, through clothes.
Weiner weiner Weiner weiner weiner weiner Weiner weiner.
But that's nothing compared to what athletes have done over and over -- and usually with about 1 percent of the fuss and publicity.
So to spite Rep. Weiner in his time of scrutiny, let's look back at some of the best athlete dick pics that nobody really made a big deal about.
Greg Oden, Center, Portland Trail Blazers
The first pick of the 2007 NBA draft, Oden towers at 7 feet. Unfortunately, he's usually on the bench, as knee injuries have plagued his career. Oden has missed all or part of all three of his seasons.
You're only as old as you feel, not as old as you look, lucky for Greg.
His dick, on the other hand, seems to be in great shape, as photos leaked in January 2010 show. Originally intended for a "lady friend," Oden said in an ensuing press conference, the photos show Oden standing in front of a bathroom mirror, gradually shedding clothes as the photos progress. It's like reading a flipbook of shame and painful inferiority. Sadly, the world's greatest double entendre from Oden, "Those pictures were taken and sent over a year and a half ago, so I've definitely grown since then," seems to be a misquote.
You can see the unedited photos in this ultra-creative video from WorldStarHipHop.com, if you're clever enough to get through the foolproof "Are you over 18" page.
Brett Favre, Quarterback (Retired for now), Minnesota Vikings
Favre, one of the best quarterbacks and leaders in NFL history, has not aged gracefully. His multiple retirements and years of poor performances have tarnished a truly amazing career.
Favre already had about 1,000 concussions before a Hummer ran over his smug head.
Speaking of sad, ugly things: Favre's penis. In 2010, a story was published accusing him of sending cell phone photos of his penis to former Jets sideline reporter Jenn Sterger. The issue plagued Favre, and he eventually paid a fine to the NFL for not being forthcoming about the accusations -- though not for sending the pics, which could easily have been interpreted as harassment.
The story, first broken by Deadspin.com writer A.J. Daulerio, was that Favre left suggestive voicemails to Sterger before sending several unwanted photos of his penis.
Deadspin now hosts a video summarizing the whole fiasco, including the nude photos. It ends "for more visit Deadspin.com," which sounds more like a threat than an offer.
Evan Longoria, Third Baseman, Tampa Bay Rays
Longoria, one of the top young players in baseball, doesn't have a drama-filled story like Favre. No drawn-out media fixation, no fine, no big deal. His dick saga is a common one in pro sports. His is the Everyman's penis.
Longoria shaves for hours a day -- his face is just too manly to lose its stubble.
Longoria apparently e-mailed his penis (no, just a photo of it) to a girl he saw on Facebook, never having met her before. The girl, Jenna Mourey, who later interned at the website Barstool Sports Boston, just set it aside like the hundreds of others she claims she receives through Facebook because she's a hot girl. There are two false statements in that sentence, and Jenna Mourey really did intern at Barstool Sports Boston.
Mourey told her boss at Barstool she'd once gotten a penis email from Longoria, and he convinced her to write it up on the blog. It's unclear if the boss asked her to write it shitty, or if that was her choice. Either way, the penis pic was posted on a separate page. There's no way to be sure that's Longoria's dick, though, since lots of guys probably set their Playboys down on their Wal-Mart shelves.
The best part of the page might be the floating ghost heads at the bottom, bearing silent witness to Longoria's shame. And they're appropriate considering the otherworldly pallor of his wiener.
This dick photo, like most of the others you'll find on the net, isn't really that funny or shocking. It just makes you feel unclean. But if that's something you're into, there are a lot more out there.