Hey. Bro. Sports: That hideous summer

Damn you, Dinger!

​Every day we edge closer to the hideous sports wasteland that is mid-summer--when all we've got is baseball and other sports are nothing but arrests, rumors and deaths both hilarious and sad. So let's put off hiking, climbing and anything else outdoors, glue ourselves to our TVs and cling desperately to these last weeks of hockey and basketball.

Can't duplicate it:
Twins, widely known as the second-creepiest family unit (trailing only the brother-daddy of rural West Virginia), are reaching a new level of weirdness in this year's Stanley Cup Playoffs.

The Sedin brothers, Henrik and Daniel, have completely dominated in the Vancouver Canucks' postseason run. As the Canucks face the Boston Bruins in the finals, the Sedin twins will be some of the most visible players on the ice. Henrik (the cute one) leads the league in post-season assists with 19, including an assist on six of the Canucks' last seven goals; Daniel (the funny one) reaps the benefits of the Sedins' disturbing Psychic Twin Connection, scoring a team-leading eight goals in the postseason -- with Henrik assisting on five.

The twins skate together and display frightening twin-awareness on every shift. Once they're off the ice, you realize they're actually just identical puppets being controlled by the same person. Seriously, look:

The twins will be doing lots more creepy in-sync shit throughout the finals, which start Wednesday night on NBC and continue on NBC and Versus.

Lockout logic:
The NFL's offseason lockout might mean canceled games this coming season, but in the meantime it's providing its own entertainment: With nothing happening on the field, players and owners alike are spending their time talking to the media more than ever. It's a lot like political primary season: the thrill of watching grown men present first-grade-quality arguments and discussion with straight faces.

This week, esteemed Sports Illustrated writer Peter King reminds us that "esteemed" does not mean "talented."King channels a high-school essay with surprising skill in his May 23 column, turning to a dictionary provide a section's introduction:

"Yes, the NFL is a cartel. According to the Free Online Dictionary, "cartel" means "a combination of independent business organizations formed to regulate production, pricing, and marketing of goods by the members."

Gosh, Peter. Great research, and brilliantly incorporated. The lockout isn't expected to end before late June at the earliest, so King's going to have to dig deeper into his bag of basic writing tricks as the work stoppage drags on.

Rockies could rise:
The heart-pounding excitement of May baseball has given way to the mind-fucking thrill of early June baseball. Wooot. The Cleveland Indians have slid out of the top spot in the MLB standings after holding first for all of May. The lightly-regarded team still leads the American League, drawing strong performances from a wide arsenal of little-known young dudes and over-the-hill old dudes.

The Rockies could easily see a lot of themselves in the Indians -- mostly young, mostly unknown, and ready to prove themselves in a league that's generally mediocre this year. Except they aren't winning, and it's not clear why not.

The Indians have scored only four more runs than the Rocks, and the teams' pitching has been similar. On the other hand, the Tribe's batting average is 10 points higher and their OPS 21 points higher. As soon as we figure out what OPS does (powers up to next level and grants your character +6 bonus to strength I'm pretty sure) we'll tell you how valuable that is. At any rate, the Rockies could be poised to climb quickly if they continue their production during an in-division road trip this week.

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