Transformers 3: we brought this upon ourselves

Categories: Film and TV

Michael Bay hair 001.JPG
This time around, he even impressed himself.
Earlier this year, we postulated that Michael Bay's entire career has been about punishing the audience for their awful taste -- namely, their taste for his work. He's tried racism, homophobia, assaultive cinematography and editing techniques, objectifying every women in a 1,000 yard radius, graphic violence and complete incoherence. The problem was his lack of subtlety (c'mon, it's Michael Bay). But he's found that weakness and corrected it, and with Transformers 3, out today, he assaults us where we feel it most -- our souls. This time, his weapon is basic and universal, as he corrupts storytelling itself. And like every other time, we brought it upon ourselves.

Transformers 3 is the best-looking Bay movie since The Rock. He's spoken eloquently about the limitations of shooting in 3D and what it would mean for his style (less handheld footage, less fog and smoke, longer cuts, better footage of girl's asses), and it's given him a full on Super-8-sized-shot of nostalgia-heroin right in the eyeball. The only thing missing is green flares (they had those in the first Transformers) and improvised dialogue with the charm, skill and insanity of Nic Cage (you would think Malkovich would fulfill that, but no).

The movie is remarkably coherent for late-period Bay, keeping the style, almost-realism and military-worship without full-on propaganda of his early period while adding all the new-Bay touches, like non-digetic Linkin Park power ballads or hiring Oscar-caliber actors and bringing them down to his level instead of allowing them to elevate the material (like Sean Connery, Ed Harris, Bruce Willis, Will Smith, David Morse or the aforementioned Nicolas Cage).

Yes, Transformers: The Dark of the Moon looks amazing, and there was as many as ten moments, each lasting between one and two minutes, where I was impressed with the badassery on display. That means that for 10-20 minutes, I enjoyed myself. The movie lasts 154 minutes.

Leaving the midnight showing at 3 a.m. (I am very dedicated to Baycademics), two men in tribal-design-MMA-shirts behind me maintained that it was "three straight hours of eye candy, especially when that blond girl walked and stuff," and I have to agree. The action is exciting and coherent spectacle, even if each set-piece doesn't actually connect to the other. The women are Bay-beautiful and we get ample male-gaze time, as well as another female lead whose ass is introduced before she is (in 3D!). There is only one moment of overt homophobia. There is very little racism, minus everything Ken Jeong says or does. The average film-goer will leave this movie thinking it was, at the very least, okay. But their soul will be bruised, and they won't know why.

It's because good storytelling is hardwired into all of us, and it took Bay this long to realize that and understand that his greatest strength in the mission of doling out punishment is the power of misdirection that comes alongside his directorial style. Give them coherence, this time, he thought. Give them coherence and a less-sexually-threatening-and-powerful-female lead, give them more comic relief but keep it separate from the action, give them plot mechanics that almost make sense, and they won't notice what I do to their insides.

As the nature of storytelling is hardwired into the collective human consciousness, so is the ability to identify with our hero, especially when great lengths are taken (three movies!) to develop our hero as an everyman who tends to get rolled up into events beyond his control. The catharsis of this journey is generally when that hero takes the steps to accept responsibility and impose his will over others, as opposed to constantly being acted upon by outside sources. Sam Witwicky, the protagonist of the Transformers movies, manages to do that in Transformers prime, when he sacrifices himself to protect the All-Spark for however long it would take for Megatron to go downstairs to street level and collect it from his splattered body. Bay has finally learned the sadistic pleasure one can derive by depriving us of that catharsis.

Sam Witwicky is the most unlikeable, incompetent, ineffective, useless "hero" in blockbuster movie history. Shia isn't so great either. He's a whiny douchebag with no redeeming traits, no skills, no desire to learn any effective skills, no charm and absolutely no desire to change his station in life -- which is solely to react to the outside forces acting upon him. He usually reacts by screaming for help in the form of either a) "OPTIMUS!!!" or b) "BUMBLEBEE!!!"

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"Michael Bay's entire career has been about punishing the audience for their awful taste -- namely, their taste for his work."

Awww look at the little NOBODY writing some little blog with his worthless life, petty and jealous that Bay has made over a dozen blockbuster movies the world loves and this little NOBODY critic earns pennies, haha!


The Westword proofreaders are phoning it in again.

"objectifying every women in a 1,000 yard radius..."

Come on, folks, this is incredibly basic grammar. Anyone paid to write shouldn't slip up on something this pedestrian. Wow.


Waaaahh! Michael Bay blah blah blah. This is Ameeerica son, we speak Ameeerican! *Comb back mullet. Jumps in Camaro to watch it a third time.*

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