Casey Anthony and the saddest porn ever conceived of

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Sexy!
It's hard to think of anything sadder than the Casey Anthony case, the long, sordid saga of a mother who waited for a month of partying and getting tattooed before reporting the disappearance of her 2-year-old daughter, whose decomposing body was found months later. Due to a lack of physical evidence, Anthony was acquitted of the murder charges yesterday, leaving everyone who followed the case at least a little heartbroken -- but don't stop being sad yet, world, because the shit just got even sadder: Within hours of the verdict, Vivid entertainment chairman Steve Hirsch called up Anthony's lawyer to offer her a job. As a porn star. "We've all seen the pictures of her partying and having a good time with friends where she definitely looks hot," Hirsch remarked.

But while there's nothing, we're confident, more depressing than the prospect of one of the worst human beings in recent memory -- whether she really murdered her daughter or not, she's incredibly awful -- having sex for legions of anonymous perverts, it's not as if the offer is without precedent. Here's a look at some of the saddest pornos ever dreamed up.

Paula Jones

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One of the first in a series of state employees allegedly sexually harassed by Bill Clinton, Jones claimed she was called up to the Prez's suite, where he whipped out his boner and asked her to "kiss it." She told him she was "not that kind of girl." Or was she? After the ensuing Ken Starr-led circus of moderately attractive chicks Clinton tried to bone, none other than Sean Hannity if she'd ever do porn. "I will never pose nude for any men's magazine. Never," she declared. Hardly four months later, she appeared nude on the cover of Penthouse. Ann Coulter was allegedly despondent.


Carrie Prejean
Carrie Prejean thinks marriage should be only between a man and a woman, but apparently making a four-day-long sex tape and leaking it to the media is okay in her book. The trouble started in 2009, when Prejean made waves in the Miss California 2009 beauty pageant with her, ahem, draconian views on gay rights -- particularly incensing gay pop blogger Perez Hilton, who just happened to be a judge in the Miss USA pageant, in which Prejean happened to be competing. She lost, but things got particularly ugly when she breached her contract with the Pageant, got sued and settled for a costly sum, after which a certain Steve Hirsch (sound familiar?) stepped in and offered her a similar sum of money to distribute aforesaid sex tape. Prejean is now fading into obscurity as a whiny and persecuted sad-sack, so while she hasn't picked up the sex tape offer yet, don't be surprised if she does.

Octomom

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If you are unemployed and living on public assistance programs, here's what not to do: Have six kids by way of fertility treatments and in vitro fertilization. And definitely don't get more in vitro fertilization and have Octuplets, because apparently when you do that, people get pissed. That's what happened to the hapless Nadya Suleman, who for some years has been making her name milking the public teat to milk fourteen kids on her own teat while apparently failing to contemplate why the world would want that much of her genetic material. Steve Hirsch (again) also failed to contemplate why the world would want to see Suleman whipping a dude in a diaper, and thus paid her a handsome sum of money to appear in a Vivid-distributed porno doing just that. Let us pray that any sex she may have in front of a camera produce no more children.

Watch the Octomom Fetish video

Tanya Harding

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Though her career had been distinguished up until that point, Tanya Harding had an inkling she couldn't beat Nancy Kerrigan at the 1994 U.S. Figure Skating Championship, so she did what any other figure skater would do: She had her mongoloid ex-husband Jeff Gilooly beat her literally. Since disgraced, Harding has gone on to do endless pornos and other embarrassing shit for ill-gotten attention and money, such as appearances on Celebrity Boxing -- and here's a fun fact: She once fought none other than Paula Jones (and, predictably won). Small world, right? A sick, sad, small world.

Watch the Tonya Harding sex tape here (NSFW)

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2 comments
Jacks
Jacks like.author.displayName 1 Like

Hopefully she gets cast in a snuff film

Jennifoodie
Jennifoodie

It's good to know that the porn industry has gone from "junk in the trunk" to "tot in the trunk." She got off, so now dudes can? Felonius interruptus.

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