Harry Potter and the ridiculous merchandising: The ten nerdiest Potter products

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Expecto patronum, channels change!
Millions of people will head out to theaters next Friday to take in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2, the final installment of the decade-long empire. And while the teeming masses will come, among them will be a select few (you'll be able to tell them by their capes) for whom Harry Potter is more than a pleasant afternoon distraction -- it's an obsession. These people are nerds, and for them, it will be a day of mourning. But they shouldn't mourn too hard, because while a series may die, its nerd-dom lives on in perpetuity in the form of meticulous dedication and, more importantly, in merchandise. So whatever object you crave to supplement your imagination, dear Harry Potter nerd, take heart: There is a product out there for you.

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10. Harry Potter "Final Challenge Chess Set"
A pretty obvious pick for anyone who saw Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone and knew they could never play chess with a normal chess set ever again, the Final Challenge set has got you covered -- but this isn't even the only Harry Potter-themed reimagining of the ancient game. There are also chess boards based on actual Harry Potter characters, of course, and even at least one that's Quiddich-themed. Because if you can't play a fictional game that involves flying broomsticks, you can at least pretend to do that while playing another, unrelated game.

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9. Harry Potter 18-inch Motion-Activated Action Figure
Action figures are pretty much a staple for anything child-marketed or even mildly nerdy -- and Harry Potter is both in spades -- but this $30, foot-and-a-half-tall robo-doll is a step beyond. Not only does this baby feature an "articulated neck, torso and left shoulder," it also says all the shit you want to hear the young wizard say over and over again: "Have it your way," "Sound of wands" and "He's back. He's back. Voldemort's back," for example. Your conversations with it will be limited, sure, but it's better than no friends at all.

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8. Voldemort Dueling Battle Trainer
One day, you will be forced to battle Lord Voldemort. Jk, you won't, but you might as well be prepared for the possibility. For that, there's the Voldemort Dueling Battle Trainer, which, to be honest, we don't really know what this thing even does. As far as we can tell, though, it's a plastic head that says things to you that fall roughly within three levels of difficulty, which you can reply to with either scathing witticisms or one of ten spells. Fun for minutes! And when you're bored, try using it as a holder for your skin-masks!

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7. Lists of fictional locations
Nerd-dom can come in many forms, but one of its most classic is the accumulation of entertainment-related objects and media with no discernible purpose but to satiate -- if only for a short time -- the disquieting monomania. Yes, that book on the right is a real book ($30, plus shipping and handling), and it is pretty much the definition of obsession. It's devoted to more than just Harry Potter, true (dual Lemony Snickett/Potter fans, get your fixes all in one convenient location!), but that doesn't negate that it's hard to imagine a volume of less utility.

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6. The Harry Potter Collectible Time Turner
The Noble Collection's collectible Time Turner will not allow you to travel through time -- you still need a DeLorean for that -- but it will... uh... well, actually don't do anything with it. Seriously, don't even hold it. From the product description: "While this Time Turner is fun to hold, it's a true collectible and not a toy. It's fragile, and may break if handled roughly." So I guess we have to take that back about the not being anything you can do with it, because what you can do with it is, you know, collect it. I guess.


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3 comments
Frank
Frank

"which for some reason is declines to spell..."Gotta love the grammering error when correcting someone else's spelling.

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