Cowboys, aliens and the five worst "vs." movies of all time
Cowboys and Aliens, out today, tells the charming and classic story of what happens when cowboys meet aliens: They all shoot each other. It stars Daniel Craig, who's British, which makes sense because while Wyatt Earp was shooting dudes in Tombstone, the Brits were drinking crumpets or whatever and signing the Pretoria Convention peace treaty ending their war with the "Bores" [sic]. It also has Harrison Ford looking befuddled and wearing a hat, which is why we like him. We took away the pun referring back to Cowboys and Massacred Indigenous, and focused on the movie's premise: Cowboys vs. Aliens. And then we looked at other movies where a thing fights another thing. Five of them are pretty awful.
In an effort to scientificially prove the worst of the worst among these films, we'll be using a quantitative system. Films can be awarded 1-3 points of "maybe that was kind of okay" in the following categories:
The Contenders: The fighters.
The Opening Events: The circumstances in which these two find themselves engaged in battle.
The Color Commentary: The critical reception.
The KO: The worst moment from each film.
Alien vs. Predator/Alien vs. Predator 2
The Contenders: 3 points.
The Xenomorph and the Predator. One, a killing machine with acid blood that roams the universe inseminating species through rape before being murder-born and killing everything. The other is an intergalactic rastafarian redneck that kills species far below its technological level like a dude blasting a deer with a rocket launcher.
The Opening Events: 1 point.
A lot of stupid shit with annoying humans that flies in the face of the continuity that the previous movies establish. AVP 2 takes place in Colorado. I never watched Alien and thought, "Man, this movie would be truly scary if it was about the penis-monster let loose in modern day Denver." Lance Hendrikson gets a point.
The Color Commentary: 1 point.
My 12 year old cousin liked it, though he still eats paste. Critics, not so much.
The KO: 0 points.
The hero of AVP 2 yells "Get to the chopper!" with prime quotation placement, as though Arnold's slurring Austrian exclamation is the ironic high point of the cheesiness of Predator, which is not cheesy, and in fact really fucking great.
AVP TOTAL: 5 points.
Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever
The Contenders: 1 Point.
Ecks and Sever. One is Antonio Banderas, one is Lucy Liu. I think Liu killed Antonio's family so he travels around Mexico with a guitar case full of guns. She has cute freckles. He has wonderful stubble.
The Opening Events: 1 Point.
This movie is incoherent, which is why I don't know what the characters' motivations are. It's directed by a guy named KAOS. Ray Park does flips a couple of times.
The Color Commentary: 0 Points
Zero percent at Rotten Tomatoes. Ecks vs. Severs is widely considered one of the Worst Movies of All Time.
The KO: 1 point.
Ecks is an FBI agent. He and his fellow agents cause a lot of mayhem in the city that this movie takes place in. Which is Vancouver. Vancouver = NOT AMERICA. Are Canadians really that polite?
B:EVS TOTAL: 3 points.