Cowboys, aliens and the five worst "vs." movies of all time

Categories: Film

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Mega Python vs. Gatoroid
The Contenders: 3 points.

The Mega Python aka Debbie Gibson. The Gatoroid aka Tiffany. Both are rendered into their respective creatures via massive botox injections that make them look like the little girl from Poltergiest.

The Opening Events: 3 points.
A masterwork for the Syphallis channel produced by low-budget schlock cinema assassins The Asylum. They're awful people, but they did make a DTDVD film called Death Racers starring the Insane Clown Posse in which there was no death-racing, which is worth all the points in the world.

The Color Commentary: 2 points.
Critics don't watch these movies, so it's neutral.

The KO: 1 point.


How is a Debbie Gibson/Tiffany catfight this boring? This shit should look like Sucker Punch!

MPVGR TOTAL: 9 points.

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Freddy Vs. Jason
The Contenders: 3 points.

Freddy Kruger, immortal child molester and murderer turned one-liner-spewing boogey man pop-culture icon with knife fingers. Jason, a giant mentally-challenged redneck-turned-unkillable zombie-turned-robot-zombie-with-a-machete.

The Opening Events: 1 point.
When the two actually fight in the climax, it's pretty awesome, though director Ronny Yu came from Hong Kong cinema and thus some people take offense to Freddy's jumping-monkey kung-fu-stabbing style. But until that happens, there's a whole movie of rote mediocre slasher sequel and boring "mythology" mystery uncovering. Useless.

The Color Commentary: 2 points.
Like the movie, the critics are divided down the middle. Audiences seem to like it a bit more than the critics.

The KO: 2 points.
Freddy possesses Jason Mewes by turning into a Alice in Wonderland style centipede and ramming his way down down the kid's throat. In the dream world Freddy controls. Why the theatricality of the centipede when time is of the essence? Just possess him! Also my dreams never look like awful CG effects, unless I recently watched The Matrix: Reloaded.

FVJ TOTAL: 8 points.

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Billy the Kid Vs. Dracula
The Contenders: 2 points.

Billy the Kid, the greatest outlaw young gun of the West who redeemed himself by coaching peewee hockey, and Dracula, who glitters in the sun and can turn into fog.

The Opening Events: 3 points.
John Carradine was in Grapes of Wrath.There's a scene in this where he, as Dracula, has to carry Billy's passed out fiance and he just cannot do it -- she's big, he's small and old. Everything about this movie is worth three points for the schadenfreude alone.

The Color Commentary: 1 point.
Carradine called it his worst film. You can buy an awful print DVD from a distribution house called "Cheesy Films." Pauline Kael pry would've given it two thumbs up, though.

The KO: 3 points.
The greatest finishing move in cinema history:


BTKVD TOTAL: 9 points.

That's right, our winner, with the least amount of "that part was kind of awesome" points, goes to Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever, which I saw in the theater the day it came out, which is why sometimes I pee myself in public.

Go check out Cowboys and Aliens this weekend, unless you live in a place where Attack the Block is playing. Otherwise go see that, 'cause there's aliens and British people in that movie, too, and they don't have freaky blonde invisible eyebrows.

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2 comments
Tiffany Fitzgerald
Tiffany Fitzgerald

There should be a movie pitting Sigourney Weaver against Arnold Schwarzenegger. Because that would probably be pretty epic. 

tim davids
tim davids

I'd be okay with pretty much any AVP movie if they showed up at the end to work together and save everyone deux ex machina style.

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