Ten steps to make your wedding awesomely tra$hy
We survived another wedding season, folks. With August officially upon us, the chances of being invited to any more summer ceremonies is nearly over. Looking back on many blissful marital moments, however, we've learned a lot about what to do and, better yet, what not to do at weddings -- and what we may want to do at ours one day.
So now, by the power vested in me, we present to you ten ways to make your wedding just as trashy as the ones we've been to this summer.
10. Facebook invites
What better way to say, "Yes, we're getting married. Come join us for a beautiful celebration of our love" than with the tried-and-true -- and economical -- Facebook event invite? You can even tell who has RSVP'd and harass those who haven't with passive aggressive Internet memes!
9. A wedding registry bursting with Rockstar Energy
Forget the silverware: you need a wedding registry chock-full of more important items to get you through married life. So when you're listing which items you'd like people to gift you and your spouse-to-be, make sure you include a four-pack of Rockstar Energy Drinks. Because nothing says "I do" like "Let's fucking do this, brah."
Ah, what to do when the vows are said and the cake has been cut? A keg stand! With the two kegs your father-in-law picked up for your reception, of course. After all, blacking out would go well with your black tux, right?
7. Use somebody else's music
Here's what happened: your church cancels at the last minute because the pastor overbooked himself. Your next move: finding an open space in a neighborhood park, setting up tall, white event tents and using the music from an event a few paces over -- a Mexican family reunion, mind you -- to soundtrack your own wedding reception.
6. Bouquets from the plastic floral section
Real flowers aren't all they're cracked up to me. They wilt in the summer heat. They can me messy, or boring. That's when Walmart comes in, with its extensive selection of plastic flowers. No one needs to know they're plastic -- not even the single ladies in matching bridesmaid dresses from Dress Barn.