Neutrinos and the 10 coolest time travel methods in cinematic history

Categories: Film and TV

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While doing science last week, probably in an attempt to fit more tools into their army's knives, the Swiss broke the Universe. They recorded Neutrinos, a shape-shifting subatomic particle known for sounding like an awesome breakfast cereal, moving faster than light. Now their hills are alive with the sound of earth-shattering consequences: if Neutrinos can move faster than light, the thing can move back in time. While we're excited to finally have a way to sell our leftover VHS tapes of Fools Rush In, "Oh, I caught a neutrino," is literally the worst possible expression one could use to describe their jaunt through time. Here are ten time-travel methods that are way cooler.

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Doctor Who/Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure
The Method: The TARDIS, which looks like a Police Box/A phone booth from the future

It's cool and all, but has The Doctor ever thought about how awful it would be if he parked the TARDIS in an alley and nipped into Rose's house for a spot of tea, and a horrible attempted murder occurred while he was pining for some girl that was gonna get lost in an alternate world anyway? Imagine you're being murdered, and you're like, "Oh man, I'm saved, a Police Box," and you go into it just to find a massive console and a sonic screwdriver you don't even know how to use? Dr. Who is gonna have to clean up hella blood from that floor, yo.

At least Bill and Ted's phone booth also works like a real phone booth. No wonder The Doctor is the last of the Time Lords and Bill and Ted are future saviors of the entire human race, although I'm pretty sure the dudes would love it if the phone booth were bigger on the inside than it appears on the outside. What I'm trying to say is, fuck The Doctor, Wyld Stallyns rule.

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The Twilight Zone movie segment "Time Out"
The Method: Racism.

It's cool to think that out in the Universe there's some kind of conscious power that has the ability to send dudes through times in order to convince them not to be such fucking assholes.

Vic Morrow is a bigot and he drinks a lot and says racist shit. He walks out of the bar and finds himself in Nazi-occupied France. And even better, he's a Jew now. He runs around a lot, and then wakes up a black man being lynched by the KKK. He runs around a lot, and then wakes up a Vietnamese man in the middle of the Vietnam War. He ends up playing hot potato with a grenade, and when it blows in his face, you gotta assume he's dead or going home. But he wakes up in France again! And now he's on a train to a Concentration Camp! So fate isn't so much trying to rehabilitate him as much as show him he's a dick before he dies. That's probably the best bet -- more than likely Morrow would've gotten home and just deduced all that happened 'cause God is an angry black dude.

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Hot Tub Time Machine
The Method: Hot tub time machine.

It's a motherfuckin' hot tub -- and not only does it send you back to the critical weekend of your life to fix everything, but it Quantum Leaps you so you look young and shit, too, and it's operated by Funniest-Man-Alive-turned-not-funny-at-all-turned-Funny-as-Fuck-again Chevy Chase. No other explanation necessary.

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Slaughterhouse 5/The Time Traveler's Wife/Life on Mars
The Method: A medical condition - PTSD/Genetic disorder causing time travel/Coma

Imagine if traveling through time took no effort at all, if all you had to do was catch a cold. Okay, so maybe these problems are far worse than some sniffles, considering one is a byproduct of living through the Bombing of Dresden, the other is an awful sickness that keeps you separated from having a normal life with the woman you love, and the last is the consequence of a brutal human-car-collision.

But Billy Pilgrim gets to go to an alien planet, and the cop from Life on Mars gets to work as a cop in the 70s, when everyone wore super-cool jackets, and the genetic problem guy gets to . . . mack on his wife. . . as a child. Maybe that one still sucks. At the very least, it's super creepy. But the fact that these dudes don't even have to try is very cool.

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Terminator/T2/Terminator 3: Salvation/The Sarah Connor Chronicles
The Method: A glowing blue ball of electricity housing naked people with superior fitness attributes.

The method wouldn't exactly be best for going back in time to stop yourself from ruining your senior prom, 'cause a naked middle-aged man appearing in the middle of the streamer-covered VFW might actually make it worse. However, if you're a killer cyborg or badass soldier sent back in time to protect the future leader of all humanity, it's pretty fitting and awesome. Of course, we could be wrong, considering we've never been able to see the future time-machine that sends people back -- it could be Hello Kitty-themed or something. I don't know what Skynet's into, man.


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3 comments
Beelzebozotime
Beelzebozotime

Found this through another link. Sorry, you lost your cred when you said Bill & Ted are superior to the Doctor. Where do you think they stole the idea from in the first place.

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