Summer season suck: The 6 worst movies Hollywood crapped out this year

Categories: Film

Cowboys-and-aliens.jpg
Spoiler alert: This is one of them.
We generally try not to let our hipster cynicism and pessimism override us here at Show and Tell, but there's no way around the truth of hindsight. Now that it's September, and the official Summer movie season is over, we know: The tentpole Summer movies of 2011 sucked, and sucked hard.

In an effort to prove to you, internet, that this is a cold, hard, objective fact, here were the six worst offenders:

The Help
The Plot: Read To Kill a Mockingbird. Hit yourself in the head until you're brain damaged. What you remember is basically The Help.

Some girl wants to be popular, so she lies about losing her virginity to schoolmates, but instead of getting the "good attention," she becomes an infamous harlot. So to distract everybody she decides to talk to some black people.

the-help-movie-emma-stone.jpg
You is kind, you is smart, you is important, you have to think for us, please.
The Problem: The movie is fine. It's not spectacular in any way, shape, or form, but if Emma Stone wrote a movie called, I Hate Tim Davids, He's Too Fat, I'd go and see it and love it just because it would mean she's speaking words out loud with her scratchy-perfect voice and inherently spectacular comic timing.

Here's the rub,

Dear Hollywood, I get that there were a few white people that helped in the Civil Rights movement along the way. It is very nice that they demonstrated that there are plenty of white people that are reasonable and decent human beings. Can we maybe make one or two movies that aren't about them? Wait, this chick isn't even real? She's made up? This whole thing is made up? You're inventing white people to save downtrodden African-Americans now? Seriously, what the fuck? I don't want to see a movie about the King's March on Washington centered around the white hot dog vendor who worked the streets that day and gave the people free hot dog fuel for their protest (please don't greenlight that idea now).

I don't want to watch the rise of Jesse Owens through the eyes of his white buddy played by Anton Yelchin.

Just give me a movie where black people save themselves by expressing their deep communal strength while engaging in arduous struggle. You know, kind of like what actually happened.
Love,
Tim.

Fright Night
The Plot: Anton Yelchin (speak of the devil), who has a silly name, thinks his neighbor is a vampire, but really he's just Colin Farrel, playing himself. Dr. Who has turned into Chriss Angel and tries to help King Silly Name. McLovin' is in there somewhere and his voice is squeaky. None of it really makes any sense or gels together, and everyone is a douchebag. Marti Noxon proves that she really is the reason everyone hated the 6th season of Buffy, and Chris Gillespie directs, so I assume the female lead is a RealDoll. "Imogen Poots" is fucking hilarious to say aloud, and thus she is Queen Silly Name.

colin-farrell-fright-night.jpg
Not actually a movie still, but paparazzi pictures of Farrel from last weekend.
The Problem: It's all so useless. The original Fright Night is a kickass little meta-movie that commented and homaged the Hammer Horror that came before while presenting a nice little story of a dude terrified of losing his virginity. This one is about Colin Ferrel being a guy who wears Affliction shirts for a little bit and wants to bang some kid's mom but instead turns into a computer-generated monster sometimes. My friend Chad was really interested in seeing this movie. His name is Chad.

Cowboys and Aliens
The Plot: A buffoonish British bandit, once the leader a group of a boorish gang of buffoons, loses his memory and bad east coast accent simultaneously, turning him into a stoic, moralistic, collected, highly effective killing machine with a cool wrist-gun. It confuses Harrison Ford. Olivia Wilde is an alien. Spoiler. They all fight aliens together. Spoiler.

The Problems: Orci and Kurtzman are ancient Pagan gods sent to modern times to cause mischief by subverting our national culture with their writing. They use their powers of hypnosis to continue getting high-profile screenwriting jobs. The two can only be stopped or killed by channeling the power of a falling meteor through an ancient artifact hidden at the top of the pyramids of Egypt, which is why they conspired together to let Michael Bay loose on the pyramids for Transformers 2. Nothing can stop them now.

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It's called Cowboys and Aliens, and it's not even remotely fun. The Western template they seem to have gone with was less Rio Bravo and more Unforgiven. Daniel Craig can't decide what movie he's in on a day-to-day basis. Olivia Wilde's character is useless, and then idiotic. The aliens have guns and then forget they have guns. The cowboys hatch a genius plan to ride into a valley and fight the aliens hand-to-hand (and die). The aliens have interstellar space travel but no discernible culture or set of ethics. There's no reason this movie is about cowboys other than "they can't use cell phones to call in the army." It's really long and poorly paced. Sam Rockwell doesn't dance.

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47 comments
Biteme
Biteme

Orci and Kurtzman need to be killed, wiped from the face of the earth - everything they touch turns to crap, they almost ruined my favourite tv show of all time, they are talentless hacks and should rot in hell for eternity. Sacrificed for the greater good of all TV and movie scripts everywhere. The Garfunkle and Garfunkle of writing teams.

Bree Davies
Bree Davies

Ha ha ha. This is why I hate movies in general. They all seem to be this shitty. I don't know what breakdown point I liked more -- the fact that Cars (and Shrek) are totally racist kid films, or that there should have never been a Pirates of the Caribbean to begin with. People that pay money to those movie franchises are the same people that keep supporting Britney's "comeback" records. The world is full of mediocre appetites though, I suppose. Nice work!

tim davids
tim davids

Thank you!Movies aren't shitty, though! This really was a wonderful summer for smaller or foreign movies. A lot of them even fit that old school "blockbuster" mold but they just weren't shitty (or American) enough to get wide releases. Attack the Block is still probably the best movie released this year.

Slashfilmer
Slashfilmer

I'm just glad that this crap isn't on the front page of the Movie section. Tim you are a fucking tool who is overweight and bitter. I can't believe Slash films would repost this article. I for one will be talking to Peter about never promoting your shit for reviews or opinions again. Eat shit douche bag 

tim davids
tim davids

I hope Peter listens to you! It's crazy how much power you have over there!

Tommyklebz232
Tommyklebz232

Wow really missed the mark on a few here. Super 8 was actually quite good. Fright Night was surprisingly decent as well. Stop trying to just be clever and actually say why you thought the movies were bad. 

tim davids
tim davids

I can see the Fright Night poster now: "Surprisingly decent!" says Tommyklebz232

Eric
Eric

Let me guess, you've decided to do an Armond White and throw in a couple of movies that you likely enjoyed but say you didn't just to piss people off... You sort of lost your credibility right there. But then to also insult the many people who disagree with you just shows, both how out of touch you are with your readers and what a douche you really are. Guess you don't want people visiting your site. I for one won't be returning!

tim davids
tim davids

It really isn't an Armond White. It might make me an asshole, but I really did hate all of these movies. Armond White is way smarter than people give him credit for, by the way. 

shora_f
shora_f

LOL thanks for giving me a few laughs (especially the Cars2 plot)

I don't say any of these movies are utterly shit.. but to be honest, I somehow agree(we had a lot more shittier movies... e.g. Green Lantern)

Super8 was the most overrated movie of the summer that only gained so much positive buzz because of shit nostalgia factor.. Cowboys and Aliens was a complete meh!Pirates4 just proved how amazing of a director is Gore Verbiniski

Mike
Mike

*SideNote* Hipsters think they are a little too tuff. How can you be tuff in skinny jeans, a bird chest and bicycle? Almost had to beat 1 up over the weekend, that little guy would have gotten hurt. 2nd *sidenote* I liked Super 8

tim davids
tim davids

You seem like the kind of person who would LOVE Super 8.

nick
nick

this is a pretty weak list...

I thought the Help was actually alright and I haven't talked to anyone who didn't at least sort of like it. That quote you put up there about it is pretty stupid too. I get what they are trying to say but it's still kind of lame. I don't necessarily disagree but it's a relatively lighthearted, sentimental story set during the Civil Rights Era... it's not really a gritty historical drama...  It's summer popcorn fare for women. Gimme a break. It's like getting upset over Inglorious Bastards cause it didn't really happen.

Most of these movies were just disappointing and not really all that terrible. And you bothered to put Cars on the list? Did anyone think it was going to be good? Honestly why not add the Smurfs and Mars Needs Moms. Newsflash lots of kids movies suck. Oh, that Yogi the Bear movie too! I think that came out this summer.

Bottom line. This is a pretty weak list and looks like you just slapped it together in a couple of hours. It would have been more interesting if you looked at good movies that flopped or actually spent some time to come up with a list worth reading.

tim davids
tim davids

Regardless of somewhat muted expectations, it's Pixar. They don't make bad movies. No one thought Smurfs might somehow end up being good.

I can be racist as long as I'm not making a gritty drama? Women are racist? Or stupid enough that not one should care what Hollywood feeds them as a demographic?

Inglorious Basterds presented a fantasy world where a bunch of Jews killed Hitler, not one where a secretly good-hearted Nazi soldier managed to free all the Jews. That WOULD be offensive.

themoviedownloads.net
themoviedownloads.net

the real question is was there any good movies that came out this past summer? i don't even bother going anymore. the last movie i saw was star trek and even with all the hype it was so-so with gaping plot holes.

tim davids
tim davids

Star Trek had a terrible script (KURTZMAN AND ORCI GODDAMN YOU) that was hurt even worse by the oncoming writer's strike, but JJ's direction and casting somehow made it work. Super 8 is almost the same thing, which is why you see so many people ardently defending it. I wish I could've enjoyed Super 8 the way I did Star Trek, despite the fact that it absolutely fails on the level of basic storytelling, but because of the nature of the film (Spielburg homage, thus nostalgia masturbation) and the subject (coming of age, friends, family, real personal shit), JJ's attempt to direct in a way that covered up the shortcomings of the script felt, to me (entirely a personal reaction), crass and manipulative as fuck. When the alien takes off and they fully rip off ET for no reason, I wanted to feel something, but I knew it was because of the lighting and the music and the callback, not because I knew or gave a shit about these characters, and that kind of awkward, product-pushing cynicism made me angry. Thus, this list includes Super 8.

Glad you guys could look past the obvious story problems and love it so much, though.

Last year had, just off the top of my head, Inception and Scott Pilgrim. The latter of those is polarizing as fuck and that's okay, but you can't argue it wasn't new/revolutionary and thus important. Because it was and is.

My favorite (not the best) SUMMER movie THIS summer might be Fast and Furious, just because it had no right being as fun and entertaining and good-in-a-fast-furious way as it was. Huge surprise. And The Rock is amazing in it (assuming he meant to play it as a pardoy of action hero cliches and I think he did. It's too complete to not be a conscious choice).  And of course Apes was pretty great, and I really liked Cap. America for its pacing and ensemble and great script and competent (not necessarily great, not even necessarily good), workman-like direction. Joe Johnson knows how to get out of the way and just let the actors/characters work. Would've liked a bit heavier of a directorial hand in the action department, though.

blah blah blah blah movies

Jackson5
Jackson5

Super 8 >Inception. Inception was a monumental letdown. At least Super 8 delivered what it promised.

thesinisteredge
thesinisteredge

Best article ever. Fright Night was shameful. Cowboys & Aliens was semi-ok. (front a mindless scifi action point of view) But no one wants to see Harrison Ford anymore. Pirates was worse than the last 2. And Johnny Depp needs to get of his high horse and disappear. Super 8 pissed me off for the exact same reason. After the Alien destroyed the entire town. Everyone decided "oh no its ok. be free" 

Keep up the good work. 

Troy Ollis
Troy Ollis

Super 8 was bad?I must have seen the absolutely fantastic version then. Too bad you missed out.

tim davids
tim davids

I hope that version comes out on DVD! "Now with added thematic threads that aren't dropped when a new act of the movie starts!"

mixedmedialove
mixedmedialove

I 100% agree on super 8...so many elements were in conflict...like trying to evoke the emotion of ET and splice it with the action and terror of Cloverfield...can definitely tell which elements Abrams and Spielberg each brought with them on this project..entire synopsis right on point!

dagny_t
dagny_t

re: Fright Night. The name you are attempting to spell is CRISS Angel. Not CHriss.

tim davids
tim davids

Nice catch, Dagny. I assume you're Criss' number one fan! Did you know 75 percent of Criss Angel fans would probably would be date rapists if there weren't too scared to buy a woman a drink to drug?

Dapp Ollone
Dapp Ollone

Aw sweet.  I love massive spoilers with no warning.   Thanks for ruining a bunch of movies for me, dipshit.

Robert Chernik
Robert Chernik

Ummmm, you do know that your list includes films that were....hits, right? The Help has Oscar buzz, Pirates rebooted itself, and Super 8 has become a new classic. What is wrong with you??

tim davids
tim davids

I like movies, not box office grosses?

Jkroflcopter68
Jkroflcopter68

Soooo RV's like your bitch or something? JK... kinda. I agree that The Help was a steaming heap... but if you truly, honestly think that Super 8 is worse than The Hangover 2 and aren't just trying to get attention then there is really something wrong with you.

You'renotcool
You'renotcool

What a stupid list.  You're not cool.  This list is a mish mash of  movies ranging from bad to actually pretty good and insulting them does not make you cool.  You're not cool.

Classifieds
Classifieds

I disagree. At least three of the six films I will remember and I feel that I want to see them again: Super 8, Cowboys and Aliens and Pirates. The first two is unusual. The action movie, but not standard. Those attracted to. The Pirates .. expected more from them, it's true, but if you take a project in itself, but not in comparison with the previous trilogy, it all looks pretty good. My brain has received recharge for new emotions. Not masterpieces, of course, but the films that I'd made a worth in movies 2011

Fixed-Gear Fraud
Fixed-Gear Fraud

You're certainly right about one thing: this was chock full of hipster cynicism and pessimism, which translates loosely in to, "If I twist my ironic handlebar mustache long enough, I'll think of some way to feign displeasure." It's slim on substance, but that's the hipster credo, I think.

"Slim jeans. Slim substance. We are the Hip."

Aleina Mamun
Aleina Mamun

These arn't even truly bad films, just 6 random mediocre to above average movies this writer tries far too hard to insult. Super 8, really?http://goo.gl/CtCWO

tim davids
tim davids

I don't think I had to try had at all.

That's because mediocre movies from the machine are worse. Usually if a movie is BAD, it's a failure- it tried something and failed (I think Green Lantern is one of these movies). These movies are all rote-whatever-its-good-enough-for-the-masses-by-the-numbers filmmaking, and that's the real crime. It's not like they took a risk and failed, they just didn't try very hard. And when you're spending 200 million dollars on something and there's five professional writers making sure it, say, makes sense, there's no excuse for making a bunch of shit that's so boring and watered down and nonsensical that it pretty much has a significant hand in making American popular culture *shittier.*

In those terms, Pirates is the worst offender. Super 8 is a close second.

These are my jokes about those movies. 'Cause if I can't laugh, I'll fucking cry.

GFTW
GFTW

Chad is a gay name now?

tim davids
tim davids

You've never heard someone say, "That place is full of Chads"? The connotation is Jersey-Shore-style-douche without the specific Jersey-Shore-Italian part. Ed Hardy. Axe gel. Probably a date rapist.

Phil Wrede
Phil Wrede

Sir, you have effectively explained my reasons for going to see Captain America three times and Rise of the Planet of the Apes twice this summer, without even once mentioning their names. Bravo.

tim davids
tim davids

Yeah, going back to Apes next week. Smaller movies/foreign flicks this year have been the shit. 13 Assassins? Great.Attack the Block? Masterpiece. Tree of Life? Tree of Life.When did Lincoln Lawyer come out? That movie was so fucking solid. I'm gonna count that as summer.

GFTW
GFTW

Meh, Attack the Block is *okay* -- it's not a masterpiece by any stretch.

Rv
Rv

*okay* is being generous. The main characters were completely unlikable, the dialog wasn't funny or interesting, the plot wasn't any better, and don't get me started on the guys in the monkey suits.

Surprised it's not in this "worst of" list, but it's not a Hollywood film. Though, I did enjoy "Attack the Block" more than "Tree of Life"...

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