Take Westword's sex survey, then check out Mistress Saskia's newbie guide to the kink scene

Categories: Sex


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Have you taken the Westword sex survey? If not, you have until Friday to lay yourself bare. In the meantime, let's get kinky with Mistress Saskia.

So you're comfortable whacking your wife with an electric flyswatter, chaining your husband to the hot water heater, watching your girlfriend hump a mop handle on webcam, and "forcing" your boyfriend to pick up the contents of an entire bag of Doritos off of the carpet--with his mouth. You've owned your kinkiness, and you're ready to meet and greet other like-minded adults for friendship and maybe more. But how, exactly, do you take your kinks from the bedroom to a local playspace?

Sozz Butterfly.jpg
The great and powerful Sozz.
Denver's delightfully demented dominatrix, Mistress Saskia, has street cred and a hard and fast rep for being especially welcoming to new kinksters. Being a premier pro-domme with plenty of experience, she is full of wisdom, wise-assery, and solid advice on how kinky noobs can enter the Denver scene unscathed.

"I believe that whatever way people choose to explore kink is valid for them, as long as they're not damaging other people," she says. "That's not always a perspective that's comfortable for the more hidebound [so to speak] leatherfolk, but it makes me a safer, more non-judgmental person for new people to approach for guidance because I'm going to encourage them to do what feels right for them and offer them insight into how they can do that without impinging on the boundaries of others."

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There are some common myths that being part of the scene means a huge time/social commitment, or that there are stone-set roles, or that you have to do crazy or extreme things just because others do. Saskia says it's not true.

"You don't have to be in a 24/7 Master/slave relationship for your kink to be valid," she explains. "You don't have to do extreme acts to be a 'real' player. It's not a contest. Personal authenticity -- being true to yourself -- is going to be far more rewarding to yourself and others in the long-run than feeling like you have to conform to arbitrary expectations before you'll be taken seriously. 'Serious' is overrated. Play can be playful, lighthearted and surprisingly innocent. It can also be dark, intense and scary. One is not greater or lesser than the other, and when I'm helping guide new people in the scene, I make an effort to get that across as clearly as possible."

And with open minds comes open mouths -- ones that ask many, many questions -- which is why Saskia has a list of answers for these frequently asked questions.

"Who are you people? Why am I glued to this packing container? What are you doing with that chainsaw? Where's my Mommy? Is that a TV crew? How can I sign a model release when my hands are stuck? What are you doing with that bucket of softballs and that pitching machine? Can someone please get me a hockey mask?"

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Okay, so most (though not all) of those are jokes. But here are the questions Saska says newbies should be asking themselves:

"What do I hope to get out of this? What happens if people I work with find out? What happens if my family finds out? What's legal and what's not? If injuries are incurred during play, who's responsible for medical costs?"

Questions to ask of scene people are things like:

"What are standard expectations of behavior at play parties? What does one do if things go wrong? What safety mechanisms are in place? What privacy protections are in place? And most importantly, who's your Daddy?"

The next step is donning your best chaps and/or fishnets and doing something really scary -- leaving your house. Saskia says that hitting Denver's only public--but members-only--dungeon club and attending the orientation will give the newbies an excellent grounding in public scene dos, don'ts and please-do-agains.

"Going to a place like the Denver Sanctuary is an excellent first step towards entering the public scene," she says. "Going to the Sanctuary means you can go through an orientation that'll break down what club rules are and how to comport yourself so as to minimize offense to others and making sure you're clear on what your own rights are."

Once in the club, knowledge is power, and although hard rules are articulated, there are the more subtle but equally important social mores that will keep new kinksters safe and respectful around the regular crowd.

Saskia says relax....

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"Plan on doing more chatting and observing than playing, she says. "Ask a lot of questions, but not of people who are in the act of playing. Interrupting people who are in the middle of a scene (e.g., one person is in restraints and another person is doing things to them that cause the person in restraints to make funny faces and noises) is the ultimate in bad manners. The only thing worse would be joining in a scene in progress without being invited. It's far better to observe the range of play styles through the course of an evening and to chat with people than to assume it's a free-for-all and that anything goes."

What is one basic but seriously cardinal sin to avoid committing? Being too greedy too fast.

A common noob mistake is to approach numerous people in a short amount of time, asking for play. The people who've been around for awhile are quite aware of who the new people are and when we're one of a dozen people someone's just asked for play without bothering to get to know us at all first, it's clear that each person is interchangeable to the noob. Nobody likes to feel that way. It's not a lot different than seeing guys at singles bars wander around a room, approaching every woman they see that isn't clearly standing with a male date. You're marking yourself as a person with no discretion and that crassness is a major turnoff. Show a little class and don't get so overwhelmed by the candy store that the candy store boots you out before you get so much as a jelly bean. I wish 'jelly bean' were a euphemism for something dirty. Let's say 'jelly bean' means 'spanking scene'. There. Now jelly bean is a euphemism and fits nicely with the whole candy store metaphor."

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Armed with this useful advice, a last bucket of chicken-fried tasty tips from Mistress Saskia will give new kinksters a forward-thinking plan for both club and, when the time is right, post-club meetups or "play dates." It can be difficult adjusting to and understanding the roles of dominant and submissive when playing with others for the first time, but caution, care and consideration are great qualities in play partners, new or otherwise.

"Submissves may indeed be submissive, but that doesn't mean that they're obligated to be submissive to any old person that happens along and barks an order at them, Saskia says. "They're valuable as human beings and deserving of respect and consideration at all times. When they've met someone that they feel a connection with or attraction to and they hope to pursue casual play or more of a relationship, they have got to be clear about what their boundaries are and they have got to have enough respect for themselves to insist that dominants respect those boundaries. The difficult part is that many are so eager to finally get a chance to explore kink that they'll ignore red flags and allow boundaries to be crossed and won't hold dominants accountable for poor behavior. That's when damage is most likely to happen."

She goes on to say that, "With the dominants, they need to know that they're not infallible. Submissives are not children and can actually think on their own, and a lot of dominants tend to forget that. Our egos are more fragile than we'd like to think, and we don't always take criticism well, but the best dominants understand that a dominant/submissive interaction or relationship isn't one-sided, and will take the time to listen to what their partner is saying and adapt when something isn't working."

Taking your kinks public is a huge leap of faith, requires more than a little trust, and being prepared with as much education, planning and foresight is the best way to approach it. And having some extra flyswatters and bags of Doritos for your new kinky friends couldn't hurt.

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29 comments
Dominas_Schatzi
Dominas_Schatzi

Jesus? I always thought I needed to compare Saskia to the Wizard of Oz:

--Both can be scary until your dog peeks behind the curtain.

--Both have fire shooting out of their heads.

--The Wizard of Oz will fly away with your balloon; Saskia will grab it, inhale the helium and imitate Michael Jackson.

--The Wizard of Oz has a whole city made of emeralds, but Saskia has a refrigerator with a dildo for a handle.

--Both of them would have WANTED to motorboat Dorothy but only Saskia would actually do it.

MsSaskia
MsSaskia

The Wizard didn't have flying monkeys. Big points for Elphaba

Diva
Diva

Troll like attention. Troll hungry. Do anything.

DO NOT FEED. Troll go away if starve.Bye-bye, Troll!

LadybugFaerie
LadybugFaerie

It's truly sad to see someone so poisoned by bitterness and hate that they feel the need to make such lengthy, malevolent and vituperative comments about someone who has done so much for this community!  I take solace in knowing that Mistress Saskia would never allow such a small, petulant backbiter to affect her commitment to the community.  And though I doubt she would have ears to hear such wisdom, I would remind Elle of the following:

Hate cages all the good things about you.  ~Terri Guillemets

The price of hating other human beings is loving oneself less.  ~Eldridge Cleaver

If malice or envy were tangible and had a shape, it would be the shape of a boomerang.  ~Charley Reese

Keep up the good work, Sozz!!!

Polydvh
Polydvh

I am proud to say that Mistress Saskia was one of my mentors over the last year.  Her classes were fun, informative, and just plain delightful.  She has been, and continues to be, a tremendous resource to the community.  Her classes are always interesting, and she has a delightfully twisted sense of humor.  Fund raisers, community support events, donating a huge chunk of her time to the mentors program, she's always there..  Having read the above, I can testify (in the original sense of the word) that she walks what she talks.

"Elle". whoever that is, I have no personal knowledge of.

Sub4use
Sub4use

You are right. Mistress Saskia is a wonderful person. I have no idea who this Domina Elle is. A matter of fact, I never want to meet this wack job Domina Elle. Elle sounds like she has an ax to grind. Perhaps if this Domina Elle person put as much time into herself as she does bad mouthing Mistress Saskia, then maybe Elle might be able to make something of herself. I think there is a good chance, that Domina Elle has mental problems.

Spiritvale
Spiritvale

I've never heard of this Elle woman beyond her crazy, obsessed rantings here. But I've been there, done that and got the WWSD T-shirt and loved every minute of it so enjoy your bitterness whoever you are. There is a community full of folks with much love for Ms. Saskia.

MsSaskia
MsSaskia

The tshirts were OSSIM!  A couple of people I'd been doing some personal assertiveness coaching with had jokingly referred to wearing invisible WWSD bracelets.   A board member for the CSPC (Center for Sex-Positive Culture http://www.sexpositiveculture.... saw their comments and thought it'd be a laugh to come up with a graphic with my head on fire and WWSD above it (and "Are you sure that's the right question?" below it).  He based it on a photo of me with a fire mohawk for a shoot with Lance Rosenfield for BizarreMag in 2011.  http://www.bizarremag.com/fron...

So many people in the kink community liked the graphic that they begged him to turn it into bumper stickers, shirts, coffee cups, underwear and other goodies, that the designer went ahead and put in an order for shirts, which included fine-print links to CSPC, LeatherMagick and, because MY freakin head was on the shirt, www.PavloviaDenver.com.  1/3 of the proceeds went to the CSPC and the other 2/3 went to www.LeatherMagick.org, which is a fundraising organization for Colorado's leather community.  I've been on the board for several years and was glad to have a chance to do a whole new kind of fundraiser.   With the tshirt sales, we auctioned off a chance to light my head on fire.  The winner lives a couple hours away from Denver and has yet to collect on his prize, but I'm definitely going to honor it.

I'll be leading a discussion for a kinky womens group tonight on self-esteem and assertiveness.  We're all out of tshirts, but the supply of invisible WWSD bracelets is unlimited.

Differences between me and Jesus:

- I only found out I was Jewish a year ago.  He knew his whole life.- I also carry crosses around, but just for setting up dungeons for big events.  I've done it multiple times and he just did it the once.  Lift from the knees, dude, and don't forget your safeword.- Gender.  Duh.- I used electricity to stimulate the muscles in a paralyzed friend's legs.  She can walk now, with a bit of difficulty.  Jesus cheated and used divine power, probably because electricity hadn't been invented yet.- I cannot grow a beard.  I haven't tried very hard, but still.- I've walked in water, but can only float above it if I'm horizontal.  42DDs mean I will never die by drowning.- Aramaic is *hard*.  - I thought Rendering unto Cesar had something to do with a salad recipe.- My dad's pretty freakin cool, but well, you know.  No contest, really.- No WAY my mom was a virgin.  - If I'm going to have anything to do with water and wine, it's going to be carbonated water and there''ll be a slice of lime involved- Not dead yet- I don't think the laying on of hands is supposed to leave marks when you do it his way.- Hypocritical, sanctimonious assholes who sit back and point fingers while doing nothing for anyone else piss me off, too.

Brenda Brothers
Brenda Brothers

Kudos to you Ms. Saskia for keeping your humor and professionalism throughout this whole personal slandering bit and for not sinking to the level of this so-called "Domina". Hopefully, in time (better sooner than later) she will come to her senses and get a real life or at the very least some professional help and/or major drugs.

John
John

Domina Elle, you sound bitter and jealous. A bad example of a Pro Dominatrix.

Domina elle is nuts!
Domina elle is nuts!

To anybody that reads domina elles comment below. You should aware of a few things. Domina elle has a bad temper. Over the years, Domina elle has lost her temper and non consensual punched 5 subs in the face. One of them was an elderly man, who was disabled.

 A few years ago, domina elle was locked up in Fort Loagon mental hospital, because of her drug abuse and attempted suicide, while her child was in the apartment. Over the years, domina elle has threatened other Dommes because she can't handle other Dommes, who have more biz than her.

 Elle has also called the cops and zoning on other Dommes. For the reasons mentioned above, is why nobody in the scene wants domina elle around. Elle has been banned by bdsm clubs in Denver and other members houses, in the bdsm community because of her nasty, vile temper, her jealous rumors and hot head temper and non consensual punching subs in the head.

BTW- elle once headed an off--shoot branch Davidian cult,(after wacko) until her very own members, kicked her out.Another thing, elle will share your secrets with other people. Thats why elle was banned from a bdsm posting board. Elle has a chapter about her, in a online book about cults.

lawyerinfo
lawyerinfo

I need you to contact me.  I am looking for witnesses against Domina Elle...303-523-3158

Elle
Elle

Why does she threaten to slander people who she wants OUT OF THE WAY?

It's been made a matter of RECORD so don't deny it.

Hey- how does it feel??? Too bad I am not making anything up. Being that everything I am saying is provable and TRUE, you have quite the conundrum.

John
John

Domina Elle you seem to be very bitter. You are a bad example of a Pro Dominatrix. Perhaps it's time to retire. What a nasty person you are.

Elle is a jealous nut job!
Elle is a jealous nut job!

Elle you are obsessed with Saskia, aren't you now. Everthing you accuse Saskia of, is what you have actual done, havent you. Elle you are a low class piece of garbage, you or nothing more than dog feces

Elle does drugs!!
Elle does drugs!!

Elle all of your evil deeds are a matter of record, don't deny it. Elle you have set out to damage other Dommes. Tell everybody how you call the cops on other Dommes. Don't deny that elle, its a matter of record.

Elle
Elle

"With the dominants, they need to know that they're not infallible."

Look in the mirror and say this.

"Submissives are not children and can actually think on their own, and a lot of dominants tend to forget that."

Really?? Does she really think that she needs to preach at people like this?

"Our egos are more fragile than we'd like to think"

A moment of self reflection here? LOL. Maybe YOUR EGO is fragile, I would say YES it is.

"and we don't always take criticism well"

Speak for yourself honey. INSECURE EGO MANIAC Control freaks can't take criticism well.

"but the best dominants understand that a dominant/submissive interaction or relationship isn't one-sided, and will take the time to listen to what their partner is saying and adapt when something isn't working."

More holier than thou blabbering out of the mouth of a self described 'teacher' who has yet to learn the basics in regard to social/emotional skills!

Yes, I am not too pleased seeing her being touted as some sort of 'guide' because she is nothing more than a BULLY who happens to have a dungeon and a friend who writes freelance for the westword propping her up (a friend who has been made fully aware of what saskia has done yet chooses to ignore and not investigate what she has been told). Had saskia not tried over and over and over to harm me, had she not caused me a great deal of stress and duress over many years, I would not be here stating what I am. However, she did what she did and I am not getting into a fraction of it here. A real westword reporter should take a closer look at this woman and what she is really about. Talk about a crazy story! It's a story of how pathetically petty women can be when they are jealous of other women, and what lengths they are willing to go to harm another person who has done NOTHING to them but dare to work in the same profession (actually I really wouldn't compare what I do with what saskia does).

Of course now that I am standing up and stating the TRUTH LOUDLY, the perps seem to forget what they have been doing all this time, and act as if they are innocent not knowing what I could be so upset about. Saskia even calls it drama, shrugging it off in an attempt to discredit what I am saying (she's not a complete dummy).

The Internet that you have used to attack me will be your undoing. There is a record of everything you, your husband and several of your friends have done and continue to do, openly or clandestinely. I have a LOT more than the Internet for evidence.

I know there is a record of what I have done (or rather NOT done). There will be no record showing me harassing people with slander, libel, threats, and anonymous attacks because I have never engaged in it. I am telling only the truth now. Telling the truth is still protected by the 1st amendment.

Slander however, and libel, is NOT.

Elle main veins drugs
Elle main veins drugs

Shut up elle. You lie!! You are just jealous, whats new. Hey elle, tell everybody how you call the cops on other Dommes. Elle you are a low life liar. Tell everybody how you main vein drugs, while your kid is in the next room.

Elle
Elle

"I believe that whatever way people choose to explore kink is valid for them, as long as they're not damaging other people,"

Oh boy. Could she be any more full of CRAP? Here is a woman who has proactively attempted to damage me and my family. Started in 2005 when she published personal info about me along with absolutely FALSE and extremely inflammatory slander on her own website! She did it yet AGAIN in 2007. I guess she was consistently hoping to DAMAGE another professional's reputation, business and well being. If she is going to 'play' the role of being some sort of respectable 'mentor' in the scene, preaching about being careful and not damaging other people despite her own behaviors, uh---- that's called deception. That's called LYING. She wants attention....I am happy to give it to her.

I know there are quite a few people who don't know about what she has done and she has been 'just a sweetheart' to them. Well good for THEM. They haven't had to deal with this what this crazy woman and several of her friends (I would call them all perpetrators) have been doing to me (and OTHERS) and to this very day.

I am sure she was counting on never having to answer for her behaviors.

Cool thing- what I am saying CAN and in my opinion- SHOULD BE substantiated!!

Let's bring it all out into the light of day and show people the kind of sadistic person you truly are swaskia. You chose to endanger me and the people I love. You chose to try to alienate me in the community and I have proof of this also. And for what reason? Some sort of insecurity trip (my guess) and a deep rooted need for validation through LOTS of attention.

There was no reason why you could not have at least tried to fake professional courtesy if nothing else. I did nothing to you. I was minding my own business just trying to survive and enjoy my work. Too bad you and your cronies couldn't JUST PLAY NICE.

Domina elle is a jealous liar.
Domina elle is a jealous liar.

Elle you have punched subs in the face, because you lost your temper. You neglect your own child, because of drug abuse.Elle you are the biggest fake in the scene. People don't like you, because you are an evil, hot head who sets out to harm other Dommes reputations. You have punched 5 former subs of yours- in the face, cause you lost control. You are a terrible person and a crap Domme.

Polydvh
Polydvh

Just ask..  WWSD!

Elle
Elle

What would saskia do? Is she claiming to be like Jesus now?

What would saskia do? Slice people's throats, make threats, endanger people, spread false slanderous rumors about anyone she doesn't like or who she is threatened by, endanger children, THAT IS WHAT SASKIA HAS DONE.

Go buy a t-shirt and support one of the biggest FAKES around.

And I have something to say to people in the so called 'scene' who enable this woman KNOWING FULL WELL that she has hurt people (non consensually). SHAME ON YOU.

Lil puppet
Lil puppet

Elle, just a bunch of sour grapes on your part.

NY_Rick
NY_Rick

Domina Elle, your behavior here is unbecoming to a Dominatrix. Seems that your animosity and jealousy towards Mistress Saskia has effected your mind. Your writings here, are nothing more than incoherent ramblings of a disturbed person. That is why, I have now removed you, from my friends list on fetlife. Hopefuly one day, you will come to your sense and seek the help that you so desperately need.

Josh#0
Josh#0

I came across a link to this article, over on fetlife. I am new to the bdsm scene. After reading all of the comments posted, there is one thing that is evident. That Mistress Saskia is a respected member of the Denver bdsm scene and Domina Elle is not. It seems to me, that Domina Elle is a troubled person, filled with angry and bitterness.When I finally build up enough courage to venture out in the bdsm scene, I will steer very clear of Domina Elle.

Another ProDomme.
Another ProDomme.

Elle shame on you!! You are total consumed by Saskia.... Elle you are obsessed with Saskia. The only thing you can do is, spew venom about Saskia and other Dommes. But for some reason or another Saskia is your main target. I would wager that you even have a google alert about Saskia.Another thing elle, please do tell how has Saskia placed your child in danger? Saskia has never placed your child in danger. Saying that somebody has placed a child in danger is a good way to get sympathy. Thats why you keep saying it, cause you want sympathy. You saying that Saskia has place your child in danger is NOTHING more than a ploy.Saskia has never seen your child. You child could be standing on the corner and Saski would not know your child from another persons child. Elle only a low life piece of garbage would bring their child into a personal matter...

Another thing elle, you are the one who has hurt people non consenually.. Yes you have hit several subs in the face, because they mad you mad.. I have even read an email you sent to a former sub of yours, down playing the fact, that you had punched him in the head and pushed his head to the ground.

Elle you are the bad example of a Domme!!

Bubbles
Bubbles

Sozz would never hurt anyone non-consensually. I promise. Mistress Saskia is an amazing person. She's never endangered children, slit anyone's throat, made threats or spread rumors. You know what's slanderous? What YOU just posted.

Domina elle is a liar!!
Domina elle is a liar!!

Elle you jealous piece of trash. You have done everything that you accuse Saskia of. You are crazy elle and jealous. Elle you spread slander, slice peoples throats, spread rumors, and endangered your own child.Elle you are the biggest drug whore around.

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