Enough with the zombies already: The ten dumbest undead media products on the market

Categories: Zombies

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Products! Proooooooduuuucts!
It's been close to a decade since the gore-spattered snowball of the zombie fad started rolling -- check, for example, George Romero's filmography, which boasts zero Whatever of the Dead flicks between 1990 and 2004 and five in the time since -- and as this Halloween approaches, it's once again reaching a critical mass. There were no less than two zombie events over this last weekend alone -- Denver's Zombie Crawl (with a pre-party and after-party) and a (no shit) Zombie Mixed Martial Arts cage-match, and more to come. So popular are zombie costumes right now that they're a viable rival to Halloween costumes that begin with the word "slutty." It's enough to make you think some kind of virus infected everybody with a need to slavishly buy the shit (insert point about irony of zombies being a metaphor for consumerism here). And considering the array of unbelievably stupid zombie products out there, that's not a huge stretch.

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How to Speak Zombie: A Guide for the Living, by Steve Mockus and Travis Millard
$15

As the title indicates, this is a book that purportedly teaches you how to speak the language of zombies. From the synopsis: "How to Speak Zombie demonstrates how to blend in and avoid being eaten while carrying on with everyday activities like ordering a latte from a zombarista and shopping at a zombie-infested mall." So not only is this book unbelievably nonessential, its completely misses the fucking point of zombies. Zombies do not speak language. They do not work as "zombaristas" or shop at malls. They are dead and they eat brains -- their non-comprehension is what makes them so sinister. When the zombie-pocalypse comes, I dare you to try to use this book.

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The Zombie Survival Guide Deck: Complete Protection from the Living Dead, by Max Brooks
$9

For the truly zombie-obsessed, it's easy to see how creating a flash-card deck of zombie survival tips could be a fun thing to do and show to likewise zombie-obsessed friends. For those too lazy to do that shit themselves, Max Brooks has gone ahead and done the work for you, and now you, too, can have tips like the one that kid who looks and acts like Michael Cera developed in Zombieland, a movie that was only worth watching for Bill Murray's excellent cameo, by the way. At least this stays on point with tips that might actually come in handy (i.e. "once a chain saw runs out of fuel, it provides as much protection as a handheld stereo"), but they'll be wasted on the audience.

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Marvel Zombies
$16

It didn't take long for Marvel to cash on on the zombie craze (see if you can guess the year Marvel published its first zombie series -- if you guessed 2005, good job!), and, as you might expect, the set-up was intensely stupid: "On an Earth shockingly similar to the Marvel Universe's, an alien virus has mutated all of the world's greatest super heroes into flesh-eating monsters!" Sweet Jesus! They're superheroes that are more or less exactly like regular Marvel superheroes, but this time they're zombies! Sounds like a real fucking gem, right? Marvel has cranked out several of these in the ensuing years, so it can't possibly be long before a movie version gets greenlit. Prepare yourself.

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Accoutrements Glow in The Dark Flesh Eating Zombies Play Set
$11

If you're buying this Glow in The Dark Flesh Eating Zombies Play Set, one of two possible scenarios is in effect: Either, 1. you are buying it for yourself, which is weird, or 2. you are buying it for your children, which is... also weird. Then again, you might also be a teenager with a couple of dollars of disposable income looking to "Wreak havoc on your sister's precious diorama," as this effectively worthless product's tagline suggests, but even then, don't you have better things to do?

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That's Not Your Mommy Anymore: A Zombie Tale, by Matt Mogk and Aja Wells
$5

For a another example of people's compulsive need to indoctrinate their children with their own weird interests, look no further than That's Not Your Mommy Anymore: "In the ongoing effort to warn an unprepared world of the rising danger from zombie attacks," the tagline promises, "one vulnerable group has been left out -- small children." Actually, we're guessing that group has been left out on purpose, because, to small children, the idea of zombies is fucking terrifying. But hey, if you're trying to get your kids to never sleep, then by all means, here's your bedtime story.

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2 comments
Jaime
Jaime

Why anyone would think that a Victorian novel in which Ghosts already feature prominently also needs Zombies to make it worthwhile is entirely beyond me.

Ornatekate
Ornatekate

FIRST! 

First paragraph: "So popular are zombie costumes right now that they're a viable rival to Halloween costumes that begin with the word "slutty." "

sorry to disappoint you champ, but you can still slut it up all YOU want this halloween! Halloween has also always been a holiday of consumerism, and I know plenty of local costume shops that depend on the zombie crawls, and other yearly costuming events to put food on their tables ("Disguises" "Gott A Costume" and "Reinke Brothers" to name a few). Your article is just lame. 

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