The 50 worst sports movies of all time
The sports movie is rarely versatile: an outsider, or group of outsiders (wrong race, wrong gender, wrong species), have uncanny talent in their field, but the old guard (typically, white, old men), don't like the change the new person represents. So the rebels have to use their talent to blow all available minds and touch all available hearts. Seems hard to screw up, right? There's a myriad of outsiders in this world, a myriad of sports, and a predictable, successful formula.
Slap Shot 2: Number 28.
How could anyone blow that? Here are 50 ways people blew it, the 50 worst sports movies ever produced.
50. Air Bud
A golden retriever has an uncanny ability to put the ball in the hoop from directly under the basket. He cannot dribble, pass, rebound or shoot from anywhere else on the court. A dog was used when Shaq objected to a more realistic biopic
49. Nacho Libre
Jack Black wears stretchy pants and plays a racist caricature in brownface with an accent just slightly more over the top than Pacino in Scarface. Fart sounds abound.
Do you know how to play Rugby? Considering I've never worn a pastel sweater tied around my shoulders, I sure in the hell don't. So the end of the movie, when the South Africans have to win the World Rugby Ball or whatever, I have no idea what is going on. I know that when they all cheer, something good happens. Probably Nelson Mandela reveals he's God or something.
Paul Bettany isn't very good at tennis. He falls in love with Kristen Dunst, who's quite good. Their relationship makes him good and her bad. They break up and both play decently. They get together again and she's bad at tennis. They break up again so then he is bad at tennis. He apologizes and then she comes back and so he is good at tennis again. He teaches her to be good at tennis and his girlfriend at the same time. Yay! All a female tennis pro needs to win is to eschew love, because women are too emotional and distracted, until she finds a man who can teach her how to play and love (fuck this movie)!
46. Against the Ropes
Twenty-thousand cliches in one movie. Meg Ryan beginning her first steps away from America's Sweetheart toward America's ohmgodwhathappenedtoher.
Legendary swimming coach Jim Ellis breaks down the color barrier in swimming, gets beaten by cops and called the n-word, and sends swimmers to the Olympics over and over again only to be completely out-shined in the sport's memory by a white goofy-faced big-eared stoner. Why? Pry because this movie is the most milquetoast, boring sports biopic since, I don't know I fell asleep during that one too.
45. Rollerball (2002)
You guys remember when John McTiernan directed the greatest American action film ever made? You guys ever think Kurt Cobain was right? Answer that after you watch John McTiernan's remake of Rollerball, starring Chris Klein and LL Cool J.
I paid money in the theater, and it ended exactly the way I thought it would. Way to be predictable, guys.
43. Any Given Sunday
Oliver Stone at the height of his cocaine use. Al Pacino at the height of his method of acting wherein he pretends to be at the height of cocaine use (through cocaine use). Cameron Diaz pretending she can do something other than dance goofily or make semen jokes (she can't).
42. The Legend of Bagger Vance
One of the best examples of the Magical Negro in modern cinema. That's not a good thing.
41. She's the Man
I've always thought the classic wit and drama of Shakespeare's Twelfth Night was really missing something. Oh, I know, soccer. No, that's still not enough. Oh, I know. Amanda Bynes. Playing soccer.
40. Teen Wolf
Michael J. Fox is scared of puberty but it happens anyway, and makes him a star basketball player. It also makes him a dick. He learns to stop being a dick and wins the basketball game despite being roughly 2 feet tall.
39. Teen Wolf Too
In case you didn't have enough from the first Teen Wolf, the second installment is here with Jason Bateman to muddy up the metaphor some. It seems like it's a movie about how you should be afraid of your boners until you learn to use them to knock another dude out.
38. The Pride of the Yankees
Here's how sports movies should end: The team wins and everyone is happy. The team loses, but they put up a good fight and realized winning is unnecessary, and everyone is happy. Not on this list: Dying from a disease so awful and new that it now bears your name.
Made during Stallone's darkest period, Driven was his attempt to create a new sports-based franchise for himself. It, uh, didn't work very well.
36. The Longshots
Directed by Fred Durst (no, seriously), and that's enough for me to hate this movie. Let's hope that he didn't get any nookie from it (he probably did).
35. Angels in the Outfield
Joseph Gordon Levitt asks God to help the Angels win the pennant by making Tony Danza a better pitcher. God acquiesces, instead of curing hunger or stopping a genocide. He helps a shitty baseball team with the pennant so that one fairly unabused, not-hungry orphan can end up going to live with a millionaire.