The 50 worst sports movies of all time
17. No Holds Barred
We don't know what's worse about this movie -- that it asks us to believe wrestling is real, or that it asks us to believe Hulk Hogan can act. How bad to you have to be to be unconvincing at playing yourself? Do you think he was confused by the fact that the character wasn't named Hulk?
This is why skate videos don't usually have plots. A feature length version of a commercial for XTREME in-line skates that usually played during Saturday morning cartoons, this movie is slightly more dated in the cultural black hole of the early '90s than Vanilla Ice classic Cool as Ice.
15. The Blind Side
A movie so committed to its white-people-save-the-day morals, that they even rewrote real life so that the SOON TO BE NFL PLAYER HAD TO LEARN THE GAME OF FOOTBALL FROM A PRECOCIOUS WHITE TODDLER.
14. Follow the Sun
Glenn Ford is a golfer. He receives a debilitating injury. He works hard to overcome it after being told he will never play golf again. Golf. Four blind people, ranging in age from 53 to 92, have made a hole-in-one. What the fuck injury is debilitating to a golfer?
13. Space Jam
One of those perfect examples of everything Hollywood thinks kids movies should be -- loud, stupid, filled with dated cameos, pop culture jokes, and absurdly crass marketing. You think Hulk Hogan was bad at playing himself? Michael Jordan really does need to be the best at everything, even if it means being the best at being awful.
12. Field of Dreams
That's right. I said it. There are just too many metaphysical questions raised that this flick is content to ignore that add a dark undercurrent to all the saccharine stuff. Does this mean there is definitely an after-life? Are these players trapped in baseball forever? Is this time travel? If Costner hits his dad with a baseball accidentally, will he disappear? People are coming at the end, how long until the government scientists E.T.-plastic-wrap the place? I just want to watch a movie about baseball, you guys. Now I'm questioning my very existence.
11. Blue Crush
Blue Deus Ex Machina is more like it. Imagine if during the climax of Rocky, Muhammad Ali showed up, playing himself, and quickly showed Rocky how to beat Apollo Creed. 'Cause that's pretty much what happens here. And it doesn't even work out for the surfer girl, who ends up unhappily married to a really nice guy and wins a Pulitzer at 19 for her newspaper articles about Superman. Spoilers.
10. The Big Green
Soccer movies really don't fare well. Take the "lovable failures" idea of Little Giants, add the "one talented player can save the whole team" archetype, but make it doubly offensive by making him the only Mexican kid in the whole town. Also until the movie starts, the whole town doesn't even know what soccer is. This movie is a love letter to American isolationist ignorance. And it's stupid.
9. Juwanna Man
Basketball Ladybugs. An actor best known for his role on the second season of Friends spin-off Joey dresses up like a girl to dominate the WNBA after he gets banned from the NBA, and is revealed as a man one night when he plays way too well for a woman -- and knocks off his wig. Featuring Ginuwine and Lil Kim. Not on the soundtrack, in the movie.
Joey from Friends and a baseball monkey. This is why America is crumbling, people.
The only thing worse than watching Keanu Reeves try Shakespeare in Much Ado About Nothing is watching him drunkenly perform the Notorious B.I.G.'s "Big Poppa." Oh yeah, then he tries to cry on-screen. That part is pretty hilarious.
What happens when you take the aforementioned Magical Negro and make him mentally challenged? This dreck. A feature length version of the "never go full retard" joke from Tropic Thunder. But somehow even worse than that.
5. The Air Up There
Kevin Bacon is an aging ex-basketball player who goes to Africa to recruit a 12 foot tall tribal African for his college team. The tribe needs to win a basketball game against another tribe and it turned out all they were missing was a white 40 year old ex-player with a blown knee. They even abuse their thousand year old tribal rite of passage traditions so he can play! Hooray white people!
4. Soul Surfer
A 13-year-old girl gets her arm bitten off by a shark but returns to succeed in the surfing world despite her injury due to her strong will, and more importantly, her faith in the God that allowed her to have her arm bitten off by a fucking shark. It's very inspiring because everyone knows that arms are as important to the competitive sport of surfing as feet are to the competitive sport of chess.
3. Rocky 5
The worst movie in a series of movies that include a sentient robot, Mr. T, Hulk Hogan, and a Cold War boxing match. At least it stopped us from having to endure Sage Stallone on the cover of Tiger Beat.
2. Like Mike
Slam Dunk Ernest is an Ernest movie, meaning it's not really a movie, and thus cannot be included on this list. Luckily, Lil Bow Wow (now known by the more mature moniker Bow Wow) loved Slam Dunk Ernest so much he remade it with the giant head kid from Jerry Maguire. Almost left off this list because it has Crispin Glover and everything he does is amazing in any movie. But Lil Bow Wow doesn't rap which makes it stupid again.
1. Air Bud Spikes Back
It's volleyball this time. Seriously, what the fuck?
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Tim Davids writes about movies for Show and Tell. Follow him on Twitter at @2509