Photos: Top ten Christmas gifts from the Dollar Tree

Categories: Christmastime


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J. Wohletz
The spirit of gift-giving seems to have gotten seriously lost, what with people getting seasoned with pepper-spray and countless hordes of poor suckers using their credit cards like drunken whores. So why not say "Fuck Mastercard!" and give some affordable presents that everyone on your list will appreciate -- and remember for years to come. The Dollar Tree offers one-stop shopping this holiday season, with something odd for everyone -- your twisted sister-in-law, your pissy goth tweenager, your bible-humping neighbor -- and maybe even something nice for yourself.

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J. Wohletz
10. An usually large man-eating ladybug.

Seriously -- it probably eats men. Not ladies, though, and it's worth mentioning that scaring the Wheetabix crap out of any elderly gardeners on your X-Mas list is well-worth the buck this costs.

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J. Wohletz
9. Optically illusional drankin' glasses.

Screwing around with sauced-up relatives is sometimes the only real fun that Christmas affords us. So give a four-set of these to the hostess of your family holiday feast -- with any luck, your obnoxious aunt will stare so intently into the wavy lines that she'll fall down and break an ankle on the way to get a refill.

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J. Wohletz
8. Acqua Di-oh-geez....

What reeks way worse than Acqua Di Gio (which smells like any dorm room a Sigma Epsilon has ever been in)? You guessed it -- the knockoff version, which actually smells like the bottom of a janitorial bucket.

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J. Wohletz
7. One of the greatest movies ever made.

Jessica Simpson's acting makes Jessica Alba's look like Katherine Hepburn's, and in case you were wondering why this movie would only cost $1, then assume whatever you are thinking is true and give this to anyone who's ever poked you more than once on Facebook.

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J. Wohletz
6. Johnny Depp's not a pirate and not in a Tim Burton film?

That paradox alone is mind-blowing, but this movie with all of its debauched sex, phallic symbolism and graphic depictions of death by syphilis would make the perfect gift for your youth pastor. Make sure he doesn't already own it first, though.

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J. Wohletz
5. Who is this fucking guy?

Charles Grodin wrote a book about himself, maybe to let people know he was in a couple of movies after the Great Muppet Caper, and you only have to spend one whole dollar to make some lucky giftee find out which ones. A money-saving tip: Check out the Kindle version, which probably costs 43 cents.

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J. Wohletz
4. Mermaid or barmaid?

With tousled and obviously fake blonde hair, lady-parts barely covered and a vacuous look in her eyes, this doll would make a fine gift for some little girl, and prove to her that no matter how sad-sack slutty you look, somebody will spend money on you.

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J. Wohletz
3. Super-heroes you can sympathize with.

These poor little ninjas are a prime example of what prolonged steroid use will do to the body: lumpy legs, sacks the size of Craisins, and teeny little masks to hide the pain. Tell the kids they're Mickey Rourke dolls, but don't tell them anything else.

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J. Wohletz
2. What goth is this?

You have a have a goth friend who needs a gift, and this stately statuette bears a striking resemblance to Russell Brand, only with better teeth and more acting talent. A real goth would like this bust, and although that term is subjective, real goths also buy expensive cigarettes to match their outfits and spell "vampire" with a "y."

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J. Wohletz
1. Jesus Christ! This is a great gift idea.

Since Jesus is the reason for the season, these gift packs are a holy trinity of fun and games: Moses memory match, bible heroes (probably heavy on the Cain, Saul, Potipher's wife and Judas) and bible trivia cards. Nothing will warm the charcoal hearts of your friendly neighborhood heathens like giving them gifts to reinforce the moral superiority of Christianity.

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3 comments
Bree Davies
Bree Davies

5. Charles Grodin was in Clifford, DUH

4. Is that weave next to bar mermaid? 

Jenn Jenn Jenn
Jenn Jenn Jenn

I get Charles Grodin and Dabney Coleman confused a lot.

It is weave, but even better: it's bad weave on a headband, so you can go from zero to tressed in a second. Yet another example of a gift that will keep on giving all year round.

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