Five things you need to know about Mormons

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Trey Parker and Matt Stone, who created The Book of Mormon , are hometown heroes -- and that alone is reason for a "Glory Hallelujah" all around. Tickets for the musical sold out in record time yesterday; for those lucky enough to have snagged them, there are a few things about the LDS faith that you should know before you see the show. And for those who didn't get tickets, these tips will also prove helpful to anyone thinking of visiting the great state of Utah (where I lived for a few years) and/or parts of Iowa and Missouri.

Here's our list of five things you need to know about Mormons, and try not to have premarital sex, caffeine or anything to smoke while you are reading this.

5. Golden plates and a magical stones in a hat -- yes, they really believe this stuff.

Mormons have a rich and celebrated history -- at least since 1830, when Joseph Smith found some golden plates buried in a hill, read them in a hat with magical "seer stones," and translated them into the Book of Mormon, thus spawning a new religion complete with a talking angel, divine ethnic transformations and the ability to baptize dead Jewish people. Sound nutty? Not to Mormons. They actual believe this stuff, and they don't understand why everyone doesn't believe it, too. But there's a bright side: If you ask for it, they will be more than tickled to enlighten you over a big plate of Rice Krispies treats. It's a hoot to watch their eyes glaze over while they're proselytizing, and the real magic happens when they make logic and reason disappear.

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4. They don't like talking about their underwear.

Mormons don't like talking about every aspect of their religion, though. The idea that people can own blessed underwear with mystical powers is a source of fascination to non-Mormons, but if you ask them about their "temple garments," they will shut you down faster than a porn shop in Salt Lake City. Even a well-meaning and genuinely curious inquiry as to how underpants can help them resist temptation, fend off evil and "choose the right" will be met with either stone silence or a whispered "we aren't supposed to talk about it." Take this for what it's worth, because any other LDS topic will have them talking until you have to throw yourself in front of a city bus to get away.

3. It is a numbers game with Mormons.

Mormons are all about numbers: ten percent of your income goes to the church, having seven (or more) children gets you a golden ticket to the celestial kingdom, and as of 2010 there are over 14 million LDS members worldwide. Between the feral fecundity and the conversion rates, everyone in the known universe may be Mormon in a few years, and we can only hope that enough carrot-raisin Jello salad can be produced to keep everyone fed.

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2. They are really, really friendly.

You will never meet friendlier people. They will help you change a tire, bake you cookies, sew you quilts if you have the flu, mow your lawn, carpool, help you move, and share their cases of Costco vitamin water with you anytime, and do it all while singing PG-rated Disney tunes and smiling like marionettes. Unless you tell them you have absolutely no interest in ever being converted to the LDS church, after which they will treat you like you farted out an assful of smoke and demons.

1. Mormons aren't as perfect as they appear -- just like other people.

There is no drinking, no smoking, no gambling, no fucking -- except to breed -- no porn, no coffee, no homosexuality and certainly no skipping church. Just plenty of good, solid work, family time, missions to convert the heathens overseas and the occasional Ann Murray song on the iPods as a special treat. Who could want for more than this? Mormons, as it turns out, because much like everyone else, they put on a good show during the week, and then sneak off to drink hot cocoa, play poker, smoke pot out of an eggplant bong and have steamy same-sex relations during weekends in Las Vegas. Perfection is a tall order, and there are probably more than a few Mormons with Katy Perry songs on their iPods right now.

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10 comments
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Myrtle Schultz
Myrtle Schultz

huh??? I don't get it as to what you are trying to implicate here.. What would be next issue? Mormon Underwear and what other people wear underneath? I can really sense hate in this post.

Caitlin
Caitlin

So you mean to say that Mormons are only friendly when they wanted/trying to convert you,but once you'll say NO they'll shut on you and treat you as if you've just committed a crime of the century? If that's how they are then I guess I would never have had any Mormon friend in my list. You are the one suggesting it anyway. So thank you!

timoftelaur
timoftelaur

My friend won 7000 dollars in 3 weeks and has played less poker.Each problem which I have with the poker game it's finished for me because my friend Tony helps me. He registered at poker-best.com and told me that is the correct and safe. I just registered for 2 days and now my earnings are 1649 dollars... They are amazing .. I will help every people to get more money from them because they are serious and I like them. I am extremply happy now because it's very simple. All you have to do is to create an account with your informations and play game very simple

It's Jenn again...
It's Jenn again...

And it's worth mentioning that I actually had a practicing Mormon tell me once that Katy Perry was "of the devil." I began to like her music more after that indictment.

It's Jenn again...
It's Jenn again...

I should have mentioned that talking to jack-Mormons is a fine way to get the lowdown on the LDS faith, and they tend to answer questions using logic and reason, rather than using emotive arguments.

rfrye
rfrye

Yes, we believe some things that are odd for others to comprehend. We are "a peculiar people" as we have labeled ourselves. What we believe is that we are children of a loving Father in Heaven, and through the love and atonement of Christ we can return to our Father again. It's very sad to read an article such as this where the author does not understand our faith at all. They have heard rumors (some true, some false) and feel it their obligation to tell the rest of the world what we believe. What we believe changes us as individuals to prepare to return to our Father in Heaven. We allow the Atonement to change us through repentance. I would be delighted to answer this authors questions about our faith or anyone else for that matter. In the mean time a good place to learn the basics of our faith iswww. Mormon.org

mc123
mc123

When you try and trash someone elses religion its important to get real facts, shame on mormons for following morals that most people have, but dont choose to follow. 

Harusami Is
Harusami Is

Yeah... I had Mormon missionaries stalking me after writing to Donny Osmond in the 70s... and I had a dear friend who was a Mormon (she actually had to call her mother to see if green tea was permissible when I took her out for a Japanese dinner). But this article is really mean spirited. I don't mind people having silly ideas as long as they don't try to force them on me. And I will not try to force my silliness on them. :)

Kgunderson
Kgunderson

Wow. I don't know where to start on the exaggerations and inaccuracies in this post. This is pretty offensive, I can't imagine the author would dare to write an article with this tone about Jews or Muslims.

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