Water World: Where your bad tattoos take on a new meaning

But really, who am I to talk? This past spring while my band was on tour, I got another addition to my collection of commemorative tour tattoos. While last year's inkings accidentally connected me with a female gang in Oakland, this year I became more GLBTQ-allied than ever. By accident.

While we had a day off from shows in Tempe, Arizona, I had the words "You go west, young man" added in black cursive above the tattooed piece of candy and initialed hairbrush on my bicep. My intention was to honor a line from the Liz Phair song "Go West" that I had always admired. Upon arriving home, I showed my roommate my new tattoo and she screamed, "It's so cool that you got a Pet Shop Boys tattoo, dude!" I had forgotten about the duo's hit, "Go West" -- a song I later realized was originally recorded by the Village People.

To add another twist to my lack of Googling, when I showed my mom the tattoo, she said, "A Horace Greeley quote? That's interesting." Basically, I could never make fun of someone with a Colorado state flag tattoo ever again, because I had something equally CO-proud.

But what this really goes to show is, when we're almost naked, all of our tattoos are the same: kinda dumb. I can't judge the man with a Mortal Kombat logo on his left shoulder blade or the dude with the full-on re-creation of Rancid's ...And Out Come the Wolves album art on his bicep (though, of all Rancid records, that one isn't the greatest) any more than I can be judged for having a piece of John Candy gracing my arm. We all have different reasons for our tattoo choices, yet we allow the markings to speak for us -- and speak to strangers sharing nothing but the same surely pee-infested waters of the Lazy River.

And P.S.: If there is a tattoo artist out there interested on taking on my big, gross bro-style back tattoos, please contact me. Because every artist I've come crying to for help thus far has said something along the lines of "Sorry, lady. I can't fix those star tattoos. They are too horrible."

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