Fourth of July fashion: Am I too old to wear an American flag bikini?

By Bree Davies Tue., Jul. 3 2012 at 10:04 AM

Categories: Fashion

Continued from page 1

OMG it's Jenny from the block.

Which is where JLo comes in. I love JLo. Like, unabashedly. Although the "J-to-the-Lo"-era Jennifer Lopez is my favorite (when she was dating Ben Affleck), I still find her to be one of the more fascinating pop stars of the last two decades. On the hunt for my patriot bikini recently, I came across this gorgeous JLo for Kohl's strapless jumper. I mean, put a red and white stretchy belt on this thing, and it had my name all over it.

Something about the blue-parachute-as-clothes just made me want to get a perm, put on roller skates and cruise around Wash Park to Andrea True Connection's "More, More, More." But it was $70. and for $70, I could buy three Rocawear HOVA rompers from my favorite store in the entire universe, Dr. Jay's. JLo's jumper was not a patriotic option after all.

Finally, I thought that maybe I could go all Elle Woods, and make the Fourth of July a classy-trashy affair. Though the character of Elle vaguely represents the classism I endured while being "the poor kid" through nine years of Catholic school, I still have always liked her style. When she gets ready to brave Washington with her brains and stuff, her bff Paulette exclaims that Elle's outfit makes her look "like the Fourth of July." But that kind of a get-up would not only cost more than JLo's rip-off of a jumper, it would be too hot. I guess that's why a bikini really is the best option for Fourth of July apparel.

I still have one day left to find the perfect Fourth of July ensemble. While my dream is to own one of those optical illusion t-shirt dresses with a bikini body airbrushed on it (perhaps better than wearing an actual bikini), I know I won't be able to find one in time. I did see a commercial for Kmart yesterday proclaiming that all swimsuits were half-off -- so maybe I'll proceed to let the patriotic joke be on me. Or, I'll just do my best to emulate the true purveyor of American style, Bishop Don "Magic" Juan.