Hey, baby, what's your sign?

Categories: Breeality Bites

A perfect rendering of me as a cartoon, obviously.
I don't recall my exact age when I started checking my horoscope, but I'm sure it correlates with my reading of the newspaper, a routine that started when I was about eight. (I had been drinking coffee every morning long before that, because apparently, I was a tiny, grumpy preschool-sized writer woman.) Fascinated by the fortune-telling aspect of horoscopes, I remember trying to plan my high school days according to what a Virgo like me could expect from the universe.

From that point forward, my sign became a defining characteristic of who I was -- it explained my irritating pickiness and an intense ability to function well alone, even though I claimed to dislike being alone. Much like being left-handed, being a Virgo was about being special in some capacity (though I blame my family for that, because your family is really the only human entity that can bloat a childhood ego by telling you how "unique" you are, all of the time.)

See also:
- Breeality Bites: Does this rental car make me look grown up?
- Michelle Tea on Sister Spit, tit-ins and how to deal with Mercury retrograde
- Rob Brezney's Free Will Astrology

When I moved to New York City, my best friend Melanie had the pishy-poshiest job of anyone I knew -- she worked as a manager at a hair salon set high atop a Fifth Avenue department store. She got me in with a master stylist on the down-low, and was the sole reason I had a nice haircut (one that would have normally cost more than three months of my Metrocard). But she also introduced me to the website of a client of the salon -- and that client was Susan Miller, aka the best horoscoper on the planet.

With my birthday fast approaching this year, I made sure to be prepared: I charged my crystals under the full blue moon, prayed to the Virgin Mary and had a nice talk with the universe about my upcoming 32nd year. Then I devoted a good hour to reading Susan's in-depth Virgo horoscope -- we Virgos like to be informed as well as prepared, and timing is everything. Susan tells me when I should make financial decisions, when to focus on creative projects and even when to fall in love. (She doesn't seem to know I think love is for suckers, but that's not a Virgo trait, though we are often unattached for much or our lives because we'd rather be that way than settle for imperfection.)

But my favorite part about being a follower of the zodiac? Discovering that other people are, too. When someone in my friend group is dating someone new or just crushing hard, the first thing to ask is, "What's his/her sign?" It only seems logical to me, because how else can one determine the potential in a new match?

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That is the most poorly designed website I have seen since Space Jam's 1996 promotional page.


Yah, if sum 1 edits that copy, thata ridd'em of ever-E mistake, ever-E tyme! Humanz nevur mayke miztakz!!! xmirhfigfighdlkgalks>lkcanksurak.fhjkhxdxjdhfav


Oh please please please change "weary" to "wary" in the 4th to last graph. Does no one copy edit these things? (Yes, I am a Leo.)

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