My fake Facebook engagement to a gay guy

Categories: Breeality Bites

Spenny and Bree forever never.
Remember Spencer? He was that gorgeous gay man I was going to marry this past May to protest the fact that it's 2012 and we, as Colorado residents, still can't legally commit to the loves of our lives through the public and legal acknowledgement of marriage, civil unions or whatever the hell else the government calls getting hitched these days, unless we are an opposite-sex couple.

Spenny and I were totally down with this marriage sham, especially after my friend Kalyn said she had a reality TV producer hook-up who might be interested in our story. (After all, if the two of us Virgos were actually going to get married, it was not just going to be the ultimate act of sociopolitical activism -- it was going to be for money and fame.)

See also:
- Breeality Bites: Online dating for straight people: We're all just chasing the popcorn
- Civil unions and pot: Colorado loves them!
- Masterpiece Cakeshop refuses to bake a wedding cake for gay couple

Nothing ever came of the reality television situation, so Spencer and I essentially lost track of the project, I mean marriage. Then a few weeks ago, something compelled me to revive it. Maybe it was out of a desire to let a handful of extremely "devoted" Facebook fans of me (er, my writing) know that I was off-limits to their commenting. Things like "OMG YUR HOTTT" posted to my photos and unsolicited (and very much unwanted) e-mails sent to me by strangers who felt obliged to divulge their innermost feelings on how "we've never met, but we're totally soul mates" pushed my creep-o-meter needle springing forward. It was also enough to drive me into a fake relationship on the Internet.

Or maybe I was just compelled to cause Facebook trouble, because I'm an unabashed, self-obsessed, attention-seeking human who wants everyone to be interested in whatever I'm doing, all of the time.

Either way, I decided the engagement was happening. I even started wearing a faux-engagement ring. I texted Spencer to notify him of the change in his own status -- he had to verify the on-our-way-to-marital-status status before it posted to Facebook for everyone to see. But of course, like the perfect trouble-making companion he is, he took it a step further and hyphenated his last name, adding Davies on the end and basically declaring game on.

And just FYI: Facebook won't let you be engaged to an inanimate object or idea (I've tried to reveal myself as married to "the game" before), or engaged to a person who is not on Facebook, or engaged to a "public figure" (something I learned when I tried to change my status as married to Trick Daddy.)

By all accounts, my Facebook marriage sham worked: Bree's Fan Club For Creeps Only didn't "like" my profile picture of Spencer and me in an awkward (but strikingly passionate-looking) kiss. The BFCFCO didn't "like" my engagement announcement. These things stuck out because usually when I post any minute piece of private information on Facebook (like you're supposed to,) the dudes in this unofficial club "like" whatever I've put out there within eight seconds. "This must be what it's like to be Kristen Stewart, pre-Robert Pattinson/post-Robert Pattinson reconcile," I thought to myself. The BFCFCO are like the paparazzi of my make-believe life, and I sure tricked them!

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