My fake Facebook engagement to a gay guy

Categories: Breeality Bites

An actual text from my aunt. And for the record, "smack" at the end of the text just means "I love you so much I could smack you."
But aside from the total silence on the fan club front and the "congrats, you've joined normal adult society!" posts from my other Facebook friends, my Internet performance art had an unintended consequence: a family freak-out. My mother -- who is on Facebook, but thank god is not an "active mom" on Facebook, like some of my friends' unfortunately Internet-savvy parents -- texted me, asking me to please call two of my aunts and my cousin immediately and tell them it wasn't real. Then another one of my aunts texted me, asking in her mom-text speak "are u are u not" (see image to the right). I had dashed my family's dreams of me having a regular grown-up existence with my fake Facebook engagement.

I guess I didn't realize how serious Facebook is for most of us. I mean, it is all subjective, including when I want it to be "real" or not. Facebook is real when I want to post about my band's next show, or when I want people to read my articles. Facebook is real when I post stories about how insane I think the Republican Party is. But on my own whims, Facebook isn't real when I decide to get engaged? How does that work? Apparently, it doesn't. Because as good as Facebook is at deciding that I might need to go back to college or buy a new pair of shoes via its "tailored" advertising, it isn't so good at knowing when I'm joking.

But Facebook does trump real life, since It doesn't care if you want to be married to another person whose biologically-assigned gender might be the same as yours. Unlike Colorado, Facebook isn't stuck in the dark ages. If you're a man and a woman who think boning each other is the most disgusting thing that could ever happen between two people, you can still be "married" -- Facebook knows it isn't up to anyone but the couple to decide.

So here's to same-sex unions and staged engagements. In a modern world, it is all about how you play the game.

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