Five tips for visiting a haunted house

Remember this dude? You may see him again at 13th Floor.
I hit the 13th Floor over the weekend, and I can sum up the experience with this: I came, I saw, I almost whizzed my drawers. I've trotted through miles of haunted houses over the years, but this one is by far the scariest, trippy-est, most off-the-chain that I've ever been to.

I don't want to spoil the experience for anyone who hasn't seen this creepshow, but I do wantto share five tips for visiting 13th Floor haunted house. And here's a sixth: If Ghostbusters-style demon dogs are on your phobia list, then be on red alert.

See also:
-How to get my job: Haunted house actor
-Ed Edmunds on electric chairs, haunted houses and the Travel Channel's Making Monsters
-Zombies! The Asylum and 13th Floor dare you to nut up or shut up

The Nuge and going to 13th Floor have something in common...

5. Don't be drunk or high.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I sound like mean Mommy. But this haunted house will jack up your senses, and you will experience every mood and emotion on the human spectrum, so there is zero use for mind-altering substances. Read: Don't waste your stash, because you won't need it here. Think of this advice like the same advice you get before going to a Ted Nugent concert. It'll be a fucking trip all by itself since Teddy is a hell of a guitar-slinger, so much so that you don't need to be wasted for it. Again, save the good stuff to get wasted on when you hear him talk about politics, because you'll need it then. Likewise, hit up that stash after you leave the haunted house, and then talk about how the laser swamp made you feel like you were rolling.

Human-made, Zuul-approved.

4. Take the warning sign seriously.
Before you go into the 13th Floor, there, on the wall by the entrance door is a huge sign -- you know this haunted house is gonna be good with a disclaimer that long. Read it, and take it seriously, because aside from the don't-sue-us-purty-please disclaimers, there are some things you should take into account. The sign is nothing crazy, mostly warnings about how if you have heart or crazy issues you probably shouldn't go any further.

I have issues with vertigo, and I should have taken one of those OTC motion-sickness tablets ahead of time. Lesson learned, as I was so discombobulated the cab driver on the way home thought I was drunk (I suppose it's karma, since I've pretended not to be drunk many times). So if you have personal space issues, claustrophobia, fear of scary monsters, fear of demon dogs from Ghostbusters or an innate aversion to getting the crap terrorized out of you, either deal, take precautions, or don't risk fucking yourself up -- or fucking up one of the very convincing zombie actors.

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