Arguments and Grievances second-anniversary edition at Vine Street Pub
Over the past two years, Kevin O'Brien's weekly comedy event, Arguments and Grievances, has showcased some of Denver's finest comedic talent in a setting designed for maximum hysteria and controversy. Taking the the age-old format of binary debate performance, O'Brien hosts an evening of hilarious bickering over arbitrary topics like Punk vs. Heavy Metal, or Baths vs. Showers, each side going to increasingly spirited and maniacal lengths to linguistically destroy its opponent, and then letting audience applause decide the winner.
Last night the event celebrated its second birthday, and we were on hand to witness the Lincoln/Douglas style battle between some of the city's wildest characters. Here's a rundown of the night's heroes and villains.
-Too Much Funstival comedians on how Denver's scene has evolved
- Fine Gentleman's Club to record album at Comedy Works on Halloween
- Kevin O'Brien on the These Things Matter podcast and Mile High Sci Fi
- Squire Lounge Comedy Night: It lives! It lives!
HEALTH VS. WEALTH
Wearing a top-hat and speaking in the cartoonish voice of a smug, out-of-touch industrialist, Jordan Doll defended the merits of affluence over the trivialities of a well-maintained anatomy while Nathan Lund made a decent attempt of defending health, often digressing into humbling confessions of his own body's shortcomings.
Nathan Lund of The Fine Gentleman's Club
Jordan Doll: I could spend all day eating gallons of omega 3's and kale. I could train to climb Mount Everest, or I could simply pay a Sherpa to let me ride him to the top like a goddamn mountain goat. . . . If the doctor tells me I'm sick, I simply order a new pod for my island of me-clones. I have five hearts in me, at least one of them still works. . . I had my skin burned off in a money-fire, and I was hunting bears with a spear-gun that very evening.
Nathan Lund: To help you guys choose sides: If you vote for health, you're voting for people like Marie Curie and Jack Lalanne. Jack Lalanne lived to be 92,000 years old. When he was seventy he dug up the Titanic and curled it. . . . But I don't know much about health, I haven't had health insurance in five years. I have a weird mark on my body exactly like the one Gorbachev has, and every time I shit my left arm hurts.
Winner: Jordan Doll
PUNK VS. METAL
Like Nathan Lund with health, the position of defending metal was begrudgingly thrust upon Aaron Urist (filling in for Andrew Orvedahl, who was originally slated to expound on the merits of the genre). This gave a huge upper-hand to punk fan Sam Tallent, who stole the show by wordlessly knocking over chairs and server stands, throwing the mic to the ground, jumping atop a Vine Street patron's table, and shouting his reverie into the faces of alarmed guests.
Sam Tallent: These are all just symbols, man! Rethink everything you've been told! I prepared for this debate the only way I know how: I smashed the window of a Starbucks, broke-in, huffed ether and fucked my way into a staff infection! Punk rock is the soundtrack to the revolution, you know what Van Halen is? The soundtrack to my aunt and uncle fucking. I can't hear Foghat without thinking about my dad trying to finger-bang my mom. And now neither will you.
Aaron Urist: Metal is founded on two questions: a.) Why should any guitar solo ever end? And b.) Why should any lyric be written about anything that isn't Norse mythology? . . . Maybe I should carve Slayer into my forehead. Bring me a knife! Bring me a knife you fucking pussies! I swear to God I'm not getting off this stage until someone brings me a knife.
Winner: Sam Tallent