Five holiday party tips: Getting high, being schwasted and other dos and don'ts

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Take it easy at the holiday party this year, bro.
While I was sitting on the toilet the other day reading a months-old copy of The Atlantic, something caught my eye in its annual "Ideas List" -- the notion that employers should hire introverts. As one of those annoying extroverts, I immediately got upset and irritated that the article wasn't about me, and began defending my extroverted self from the toilet seat to an audience of exactly no one. It's not that I think introverts aren't great, but sometimes, it seems like extroverts get a bad rap.

Later, post my internal introvert/extrovert conversation on the john, I was at a holiday party for a friend. Standing awkwardly on the sidelines with my mom and sister, I thought about how, whether you're an introvert or an extrovert, the annual holiday party season can be a long and arduous one. It's like holiday parties always go one of two ways: either they are the most epic throwdown of the century, where legendary work-gossip anecdotes are born, or they're more painfully awkward than that time you met up with someone who totally did not look at all like they did on their OKCupid profile. Regardless, I came up with some possible hints to help make your next holiday party better.

See also:
- Timmi Lasley talks about LadyFace's An Office Christmas Party
- Sixteen holiday markets to shop and celebrate in Denver
- Breeality Bites: I'm an idiot, and other misconceptions about retail employees


Note: Your drunken version of "Da Butt" won't A) look this cool or B) be directed by Spike Lee.

5. It's okay to get drunk -- just don't get schwasted
If you drink, this is what holiday parties are for! Getting drunk around family and coworkers may not be part of our daily interactions, but at this time of year it is completely acceptable. Everyone else is imbibing and if you're lucky, it's on the company dime. But do yourself a favor and don't get tethered to the bar. Introverts and extroverts can both fall prey to this habitual party stance, because drinking takes the edge off, so it's easy to post up by the booze.

The problem is, even if you think you're a funny drunk, chances are you're not that funny to everyone else. And those people may end up babysitting you and/or remembering every single moment of the night for you, including every time you decided to not-consensually do "Da Butt" on every coworker within a three-foot radius.

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Fifty years ago, our gay-straight holiday party alliance would have meant marriage.
4. Take a date -- even if you don't have a significant other-type person
Listen, coworkers and family members want gossip. I know this because I am both of these things, and I live for this shit. Being the ultimate Fag Hag, I can reach into a grab bag of gorgeous, entertaining, charming, socially advantageous dudes and find a date who will look fabulous on the arm and keep the party abuzz with everyone questioning whether or not I finally have a boyfriend. (Being not-married and 32, this is the most asked question next to "are your glasses real?")

At our annual Westword holiday party last week, I pulled Spencer from my ranks -- my infallible gay husband. He "looks" straight (if his pompadour isn't too high) and, as a bonus, his face was slightly torn up, which made him look hot AND tough. I didn't tell anyone that the marks on his purdy little cheeks and nose were from when he got a little too friendly with gin the night before and fell into his Christmas tree. That was for the gossipers to gossip about.

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5 comments
Cole Mersich
Cole Mersich

Drink water and collect dirt on everyone else

jenna-furrr
jenna-furrr topcommenter

I be strokin'! I love that song! It's my go-to song at parties to do tha butt. Sometimes I think you write these about me.....lol.

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