Five choice moments from Denver's standup comedy scene in 2012
When former Westword scribe Adam Cayton-Holland recorded his as-yet-unreleased album at the Bug earlier this month, he treated the audience to a reading of a tense e-mail exchange he'd had with the Museum of Natural History in New York. After he'd pressed them to be allowed behind the scenes in order to see their display of the rare ivory-billed woodpecker, they responded with increasingly terse formal letters explaining that only members of the museum are allowed to see the bird.
"Why don't you just let me see the ivory-billed woodpecker?" Cayton-Holland demanded. "Is this because I'm Jewish? And if that's the case, how did you figure out I was Jewish? My last name doesn't sound Jewish. Is it because my giant Jew nose kept accidentally typing money signs or something in this e-mail?... You're a racist, hoarding dickhead."
By this point, the museum had stopped returning Cayton-Holland's e-mails, but he pressed on, undiscouraged. Now writing as "Adam's sister," one message explained that her brother was heavily medicated and terminally ill, and the possibility of seeing the bird was the only thing that raised his spirits and kept him holding on.
When no response was received, Cayton-Holland fired off this final message: "Hey, Tom, forget Adam's request, we found him hanging in the basement this morning. In place of a suicide note, he had just drawn a picture of an ivory-billed woodpecker. Just thought you'd like to know."
During the second anniversary of Kevin O'Brien's monthly comedy debate night, Arguments and Grievances, Chris Charpentier attempted to oust Elliot Woolsey on why showers are the civilized man's sex chamber. Ultimately, Woolsey won the night with the Nazi card.
While this was probably the most arbitrary topic of the evening, it aroused the most spirited debate. With Woolsey making a case for soaking in a warm tub, Charpentier maintained that baths are just a process of marinating in your own filth, insisting that showers are ultimately sexier and more civilized:
Chris Charpentier: You ever try and masturbate in the shower? It's fun, it's easy, it's why we shower. You ever try and masturbate in the bathtub, dudes? It's loud, it's messy, it's nowhere near clean. I don't want to be gross, but it just sits on top! Whereas sex in a shower is great, you wash your arms with their arms, you wash torso with torso. You ever take a bath with someone? You're both in very unflattering positions the whole time, and there's a 100 percent chance that someone's toe is going up someone's butthole. You ready for that step in the relationship? You should have just taken a shower.
Elliott Woolsey: Sex in the shower is terrible. With the water cascading down her body, you ever try going down on your girlfriend in the shower? It's like being water-boarded, don't do it.... Terrible things happen in showers. I know it's uncomfortable, but you guys, how are we going to talk about showers without bringing up the Holocaust? They weren't sent to the baths. Baths were for Romans, who were having a great fucking time until showers came along and killed six million people. I don't know why Chris [Charpentier] hates Jews, but a vote for showers is a vote for Hitler.
Winner: Elliot Woolsey