Five things I freaking hate about the Oscars -- thanks to the Academy!

Academy better recognize....
2. The Oscars make me think about Billy Crystal, and I don't want to
I don't think Billy Crystal is nearly as funny as other people do, and he's nowhere close to being as funny as he thinks he is. Maybe this is a generational thing, as I'm more of a Conan O'Brien, Jimmy Fallon, Daniel Tosh-sort-of-funny fan, and I cannot see how Crystal's jokes were anything but passé after 1989.

My impression of Billy Crystal: Snar, snar, snar, jokes about Jews in Hollywood that he gets away with because he's Jewish, snar snar....PG-13 one-man vaudeville song, snar snar.

He's hosted the Oscars nine times, he is a pinch-hitter for host no-shows, and he could be back hosting at any time. But I hope he isn't, because if the academy wants people under the age of 45 to watch the show, they'd do well to stick with new -- and actually funny -- talent.

1. Oscar snub-a-dub-dubs
Some of the films/directors/actresses and actors that get snubbed by the academy are positively mystifying. This year's snubs are just weird: Ben Affleck not nominated for best director for Argo? Sure, Affleck as an actor alternates between cheeseball roles and great ones (I compare him to Duran Duran albums for good after bad) but Argo was so good it washes out Gigli AND Jersey Girl. And what the flop-whopping hell is up with Quentin Tarantino not being nominated for best director for Django Unchained? Is Tarantino really that scary and weird? I mean, they give Tim Burton Oscars, even though he's always been weird and he sucks now.

I think the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences desperately needs to collectively determine if the Oscars are a popularity contest or a professional meritocracy, so that those of us attempting to watch actually can.

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