Five reasons why Denver's "GoosInator" goose-scaring machines for parks are stupid

You'd better run if Jenn's got a gun.
2. Bring Occupy Denver back instead.

The buying of expensive bird-hazing machines to keep geese out of the parks gives me a better idea to get those geese gone: Let the Occupy Denver folks re-occupy the parks!

Bye-bye birds--hellooo hippies!

But on second thought, letting those politically-aware neo-hippies with their almost-legal pot and totally legal bongo drums back in the parks would scare off the geese -- or possibly get them high and they'll NEVER leave, which would then cause Denver to commission special new robots: Occupy DenverNators. These high-tech machines would have the capability to drown out chanting by playing Journey songs at full-blast, will spray Formula 409 out of robotic nozzles to do a combination of goose/crowd-disbursement AND power-cleaning, and are painted to look like an angry Governor Hickenlooper.

1. I have a shotgun and a deep freezer--and I'll work for free!

The GoosInator isn't a goose's worst nightmare -- I am. I'm of modest means, totally predatory, and I'm packing. I would love nothing more than to be given the opportunity to freely roam Denver city's parks with a shotgun, muttering "I got yur Second Amendment right here, mother*ckers!" under my breath while taking out rows of geese like it was a giant, reality-based game of Space Invaders. They can run but they can't hide from my eagle-eyes, and if Denver Parks and Recreation gives me the green light to slaughter and scatter every goose in this town, I won't charge them a dime.

I'll even wear a super-villain mask while I'm doing it. Or a Guy Fawkes mask--I'm not picky.

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Amelia Ebert
Amelia Ebert

That thing is taking jerbs away from hardworking border collies!


Those honkers are pretty tasty! Could be added to lots of restaurant menus - year-round - not just at holidays!!

jenna-furrr topcommenter

@mamble That's what I'm sayin'. Roast goose is delicious, and in this case, it would be free of charge.

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