Mustaches: They're gross, they scratch my face, and the Civil War is over

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Never caught with a mustache: Nick Valensi and Humphrey Bogart, A.K.A. total babes.
Editor's note: Mustaches are derigeur on uncles, cops and closing pitchers, but they've also become a fixture on the upper lips of the young and the hip. In fact, it's hard to imagine a time since the Civil War when razors were so ignored. But the look can be polarizing, and Westword contributors Samantha Alviani and Bree Davies each represent the opposite ends of that spectrum. See Alviani's take in "Mustaches: they are exciting and they celebrate a classic ode to manhood,"; here's Davies's:

Instead of burying my position on facial hair between paragraphs full of my manifested obsession with a bygone era of male style and the notion that I'm almost always attracted to the only clean-shaven gay man in a room, I'll just say it: I fucking hate mustaches. I hate them. I hate them almost as much as I hate beards, and I only hate beards more because they have a higher volume of unnecessary facial hair on a normally attractive dude.

See also:
- Winning Movember, week 4: On the sexuality of the mustache
- What's in your bag? Fake mustache, tickets and more!
- James Holmes hearing: Mustache, outburst, no decision on unsealing files

I also hate beards because they seem to be a complementary aesthetic of musicians who, to me, make the worst kind music on the contemporary planet, a genre Hipster Runoff so perfectly pegged as "Civil War Wave."

But the thing is, I hate mustaches for purely selfish reasons.

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AP
David Justice circa 1993, A.K.A. Babe City, pop: 1.
I cringe at thinking about kissing a man's face that has a mustache, or worse, a beard. Because, to a pale, snow-white princess whose first layer of face peels up and falls off at the thought of temperatures below fifty degrees, facial hair hurts. It makes my skin itchy and red, and if I like that man a lot, it usually means a chin rash.

Kissing a face with a beard also reminds me of getting pecks from my dad as a kid. That's gross for many reasons, but mostly because kissing your dad in a similar capacity to your boyfriend/husband/partner/whatever is barfy. And illegal. Combine a beard with a cold leather jacket that smells like cigarettes, and there's no chance in hell I'll want to get near you, dad, I mean, boyfriend guy.

Of course, my disdain for mustaches has a lot to do with my "type" (is that still what people call the kind of people you want to bone? Is it just my group of friends that keeps the "bone" slang alive? Am I asking too many questions about boning?) My type is, for the most part, is tall, thin and healthy-looking, with dark hair and light eyes. That isn't always the kind of man I end up trying to court, but in my dreams, that's what he looks like. And he doesn't have facial hair. Ever.

To give some examples of mustache-less men who are my type that I would like to bone, here is a list. To me, they are beautiful (and there are special notes for when the attractiveness only applied to a particular era of their lives) and could not possibly be as beautiful if their faces were cluttered with gross hair. And although I've listed them in no particular order, the first seven picks are definitely the dreamiest of them all:

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HEALTH's John Famiglietti, A.K.A. whatta babe.
Montgomery Clift
John Famiglietti
Nick Valensi
Ezra Koenig
Humphrey Bogart
Damon Albarn

Sean Connery (The only good kind of James Bond)
Everyone else in The Strokes
Marc Bolan
Johnny Depp
("Winona Forever"-era)
James Iha
Milo Aukerman
(Milo Goes To College-era)
Henry Rollins
Ian Curtis
Lou Diamond Phillips
(1987 through 1990)
Drake


Rob Zabrecky
Dr. Drew
Gerard Way
David Justice
(circa 1993)
Ryan Ross
Billy Corgan
(ONLY between the post-Gish long hair and pre-Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness creeper baldness time)

Exceptions:
Kurt Cobain (because he was my first famous person crush on)
Dave Grohl (his attractiveness is completely dependent on what band he's playing with at the moment, and I especially like it when he's mustache-less and has pigtail braids)
Freddie Mercury
Gay guys in general with mustaches*

*Because most gay dudes are inherently perfect, I think it is completely acceptable for them to have beards, too. Hell, they can have those big, gross Civil War Wave beards and I find it endearing. They might even be in a Civil War Wave band and I'll think it's cool. But that's because I'm biased toward gay men. I should also fully acknowledge that sexual orientation is a giant, beautiful grey area, so when I say "gay men" I mean a whole lot of different kinds of them.



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13 comments
Craig C Thomas
Craig C Thomas

Two words: Robes & Lotions... This is hysterical!

Jonah Fox
Jonah Fox

I agree. .....mostly because I'm a hairless wonder. No facial/arm hair. I'd like to think it makes me more aerodynamic.

Jacob Archuleta
Jacob Archuleta

Says Bree Coco Davies who hasn't had a solid date in years...

DonkeyHotay
DonkeyHotay topcommenter

Bree Davis = teenage fem fangurl

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