Ten effective ways to fake an orgasm (NSFW)

Categories: Lists, Sex

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Fake it 'til you make it.
I love that we live in a country that's sexually open enough -- not as much as some European countries, but that's another list for another time -- to allow for public education on how to have and give orgasms. Denverites, you have an upcoming class available at Anythink Library Wright Farms: The aptly named "Orgasm...I want it...Where do I find it?...How do I get it?" lasts from 6 to 8 p.m. on January 22.

Yes, there is a class for that, and if there isn't an app for that, I'm sure there will be soon. But just as valuable, I think, would be a class to teach people how to effectively fake orgasms, for all those annoying times when you need to pretend to get off quick, fast and in a hurry: so you can get back to work, kick somebody out of your apartment and pretend you'll call them; so you can keep your partner/spouse from feeling like a loser in the sack; and my favorite reason, the sexual version of charity, to spend time with some poor dingus you met on Craigslist casual encounters -- and then instantly regret.

For your pleasure, here's a list of ten fantastic and effective ways to fake an orgasm -- for both men and women. No class needed, but you can still send me your money.

See also:
- Orgasm...I want it...Where do I find it?
- "Colorado" = orgasms and 10 nice/mean Urban Dictionary definitions
- Orgasmic meditation, BDSM classes at Bedroom event not educational enough for Lakewood PD?

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Liar, liar, my gentials are not on fire.
10. Talk, talk, noise, noise
Making noises and talking -- either of these will help you plant a fake-out orgasm, and both at once will help you out even more. Many partners use hearing certain noises or certain phrases to determine where they are at with getting you off. Start off soft, keep getting steadily louder and choppier, give a decent moan/scream, and get quiet again instantly. That'll do the trick, and if you are a talker, when the time comes -- or doesn't come, rather -- all you have to do is repeat the phrase, "I'm almost there -- I'm gonna come" for a few minutes, followed by a resounding "I'M COMING!!!." If your erstwhile partner is really boring the grapefruits out of you, you can also try the talk/noise combination -- the "toise" -- which sounds something like, "I'm comingahhhheeeeeEEEEEEKWAHWAHWAAAAAH!" Bonus points if you throw a couple of swear words in there as well.

9. In a nutshell...
First and foremost, gentlemen, you really should wear a condom to make your fakers convincing. A female/male not getting a starfish-trail full of man-mayo is a dead giveaway that you did not orgasm, so make sure you wrap your turkey-jerker. And after the dastardly deed is done, go to the bathroom to "clean up." Make sure you hock some spit into the rubber; then take it back into the bedroom to show off, and say something like "Wow -- that's a BIG load!."

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Not happening.

8. No Shakes-spearing
Faking an orgasm should not ever be attempted by overacting, and if you don't have a frame of reference, picture anything Mel Gibson has done on or off-screen since around Lethal Weapon 2. Keep your acting simple -- like wheat bran cereal commercial-acting simple, with traditionally accepted body movements and utterances. Keep it slow and quiet at first, but build momentum, and end with a reasonable bang, not a soundtrack to the fall of the house of Atreus.

Seriously -- if you act like Daniel Tosh on a meth binge, you are not only going to give yourself away, but you will likely end up feeling douchey, dehydrated and unfulfilled, which is about the lowest trifecta of post-fuck feelers you can have.

7. Don't be a deviant
In order to effectively fake the best part of sex, do your follow-up properly, and make sure you do not deviate from your usual post-coital routine. If after you legitimately come you usually cuddle, spoon, watch The Daily Show, order a spicy Hawaiian pizza or dig through your pants for a fake business card with your fake name on it, then make sure you do these things after a fake orgasm. Especially if your partner is a woman, because women have magical powers given to them by demons from the depths of hell, and they can immediately tell if something is amiss after playing a rousing game of pee-pee-pounders.

Continue reading for more pointers.

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15 comments
Sterling Meeks
Sterling Meeks

Nope. You were brain dead prior to reading of the article.

Sterling Meeks
Sterling Meeks

But in reel Murkah, even bad sex is considered "good" sex.

Sterling Meeks
Sterling Meeks

Jenn Wohletz is clearly effective at feigning snark in every one of her articles.

Jake Supple
Jake Supple

Westword, if you guys start turning into Cosmo someone needs to get fired

Terin Blake
Terin Blake

Two says in a row Westword posts articles that are anything but sex positive. Not very progressive for an alternative publication

JP Thomason
JP Thomason

I just yell, then throw cream of mushroom soup on her belly.

Chelsea Ione
Chelsea Ione

When you fake an orgasm you're just setting yourself and others up to have more bad sex :(

Carl Wlodarczyk
Carl Wlodarczyk

Part of me died while reading that. I suspect it was a chunk of my brain.

DonkeyHotay
DonkeyHotay topcommenter

Real Women don't Fake orgasms.

HTH.

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