Judgmental Denver map: choose your own gentrification adventure!

JudgementalMapfullsize.jpg
Finally, something floating around the cesspool of Facebook that we can care about enough to actually unify over. The "Judgmental Denver map" appeared in my newsfeed yesterday and has since been reposted at least forty times by people I know -- people who either think it's funny or are pissed because the map is "inaccurate," according to what they think about where they live.

Though the origins of this map are unknown, I'm willing to bet the area labeled "Cool Kids" is probably where the cartographer(s) reside. But regardless, guys, this map has everything: racism, classism, sexism and homophobia from all angles!

See also:
- Virginia Village: I'll be out reppin' my transitional neighborhood like a mascot
- Here, transplants, have Denver: It's all yours (except for Hooters)
- From a Colorado native to a transplant: Your altitude problem is my attitude problem

I'd like to start by defending my dear childhood home turf of Virginia Village. We weren't always "Wannabe Suburbanites" as the map claims. We were the suburbs when the neighborhood came to be in the 1950s.

Now as all of the original homeowners in the neighborhood die off -- four people on my mom's block of eight homes died in the last five years -- the HGTV-ness of life takes over, and the shit gets flipped. Then it gets sold to younger couples as "starter homes" and my mom becomes the old lady on the block. (I think she secretly wants to warn the new homeowners that in 1974, that house was supposed to be her "starter home," too.)

I currently live in what's called "Little Mexico" by this map's calculations, though the area known as "Loose Chihuahuas" should extend all the way up into our part of the city. I'd also like to add "Giant Pit Bulls In Dirt Yards With Tiny Fences" to that description, as that seems to be the pet situation running parallel to wild packs of small dogs in our neighborhood.

Our neighborhood is also typified by foliage native to the area -- in our yard, we have a trash tree in full-bloom almost year round, yielding all the empty Cheetos bags, cigarette butts and broken Bud Light bottles your heart desires. In a good harvest, we might also see a healthy McDonald's/empty packs of Kools hybrid shrub pop up, too. Who needs urban gardens when you've got natural, bountiful growth?

I kind of wish Capitol Hill was labeled "Formerly Cool And Cheap Rent Replaced By Price Gouged Rent In Favor Of Trend And Transplants." But I suppose "Cruiser Bikes" sums that up fairly well. I also appreciate the fact that some major landmarks have been preserved on this map -- Casa Bonita, Shotgun Willie's, The Breakers and Queen Soopers (and Underground King Soopers should be labeled "post-apocalyptic King Soopers" or "the scariest place to go grocery shopping at any hour of the day.") All good reminders that Denver still has its finger on the pulse of culture.

How did your neighborhood fare? Are you a Trendy Gay or a Wealthy Gay? Maybe you're an Active White Person or a Struggling Artsy Entrepreneur, or just a Cougartown native treading dangerously close to Fur Coat territory. Whatever you are, Denver seems to have a segregated neighborhood for you!

And P.S.: The arrow to Kansas is in the wrong place. Everybody knows you just take I-70 until shit looks almost too bleak to be real and boom, you're in Kansas.




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21 comments
Derwood
Derwood

Please Share the judgemental colorado springs map as people Need to see the Truth about that toilet.

Bruce138
Bruce138

... "Little Africa" ? ! ? ! ? - (just noticed that - of course, the map does unapologetically dub itself "Judgmental Denver", but still ... how 'bout just "'Da Hood" or maybe "Gangstaland" for that area ?? --- a little more accurately hip and marginally less blatantly racist & archaic ... jus' sayin' (!)

mmjfreedomusa
mmjfreedomusa

Thanks..I am an equal opportunity offender..UNTIL others stop offending ME!

sjwells0904
sjwells0904

Funny thing is, I knew every part of the metro area by description alone...sad but true.

Greg Verzosa
Greg Verzosa

Not that it's the worst/most inaccurate thing on there....but the "ghetto golf course" co-hosted the US Am this year. Jerks...

Bobby Brinkhaus
Bobby Brinkhaus

All realtors should be handing this out. Its what we really want to know!

Ricky Charles
Ricky Charles

it was scary accurate and pretty fucking funny

Mantonat
Mantonat topcommenter

 Bree, we're practically neighbors! I live in the area where feral Chihuahuas get run over by cars more expensive than the houses. I think the missing label on the map is the part of town where you can curb-side recycle anything - and the recycling truck is is just a Chevy pick-up driven by a guy who lives down the block.

dispatchesfromd
dispatchesfromd

sooooo... where is this underground king soopers, exactly? 

DonkeyHotay
DonkeyHotay topcommenter

Funny ... but true.

The hard-scrabble reality of Coldfacts Ave. ... west to east

  • West of I-25 = Hispanic Homeless Crackhead / Tweaker / Junkie Hookers  
  • East of Broadway = White-Trash Homeless Insane Crackhead / Junkie Hookers 
  • East of Monaco =  Black Homeless Crackhead Hookers

gingerbender
gingerbender

@dispatchesfromd It's on Speer and Colfax-ish. There's like a giant red bricked apt. building sitting on top of it. It's not so much underground as it just doesn't have any windows on the inside. 

dm_co
dm_co

@DonkeyHotay puerile crackhead buffoons are tarnishing the image of Colorado and it's struggling hookers who need crack to sleep with strangers.  

DonkeyHotay
DonkeyHotay topcommenter

@dm_co ... Freedom ain't Free ... ya gotsta Pay ta Play

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