Five prequel, sequel and remade movies I will watch -- no matter how bad they are

Categories: Film and TV, Lists

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I'm among the petulant grumblers about super-popular movies getting prequels, gaining sequels and being retrofitted to appeal to current fans while grabbing up new fans with sexy, glammy, glitzy things like turbo-hottie actors and actresses and the expensive magic of CGI. But I grumble because I care, and over my many years of film-watching and film-appreciating I have recognized that there there are movies that can be pre-done, post-done, redone and completely re-imagined -- and as long as they have the names, characters and at least some connection to the originals, I'll still pay money to see them, and eat overpriced popcorn while doing so.

Here's my list of the five guilty pleasure prequel, sequel and remade movies I will always watch. Note that the remake of The Omen is not on this list, and never will be, because there are some dark places I won't go.

See also:
- Five reasons why Clerks III is a fan-tastic idea
- StarFest 2012 brings out Denver's Star Wars fans...and Tebowba Fett
- Ten best Star Trek: The Next Generation episodes

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I'm sure Keanu could still pull off the hair.

5. Bill and Ted's Third Awesome--or Bogus--Adventure
Last I heard tell, Bill and Ted III was in development, but that tidbit was outed on the Internet back in 2011, and there's been no official news since. I would be down for making Bill and Ted trilogy -- as long as the original actors are in the next movie, and there's really no reason they shouldn't be. Some actors manage to grow out of their terrible movie bombs with time, age and better opportunities, but Keanu Reeves (Ted) sure isn't one of them, and as for Alex Winter (Bill)....what the hell exactly has he done since the last Bill and Ted movie? I think he was doing some voices on Robot Chicken for like a minute, but let's face it: He could use an excellent, paying gig so he can buy some food or something. Both Reaves and Winter are licking right up on fifty, so whatever strange things that are afoot at the Circle K better come to fruition before one of them goes on the long journey to the big telephone booth in the sky. Granted, I was pretty stoned in middle/high school when I watched the first two, and a lot has changed in my life since then -- now I get stoned on much better weed (Denver f*cking rocks!), so there's a premium chance that Bill and Ted take three will be just as hilarious for me as the first two were.

Side note: I also would love it if they dug up that fat, pissy, squealy guy who played Napoleon and put him somewhere in the next movie.

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Clerks fans deserve another donkey moment--for posterity.
4. Clerks 3 -- Return of the Quick Stop...again
Since March 8, when everybody's -- well, almost everybody's -- favorite plump, misanthropic dick-and-fart joke movie director, Kevin Smith, announced via Facebook that he was finally-but-finally-writing the script for Clerks III, Smith fans have been impatient for any teeny-weeny-tiny scraplette of news about what's going on with the script, wondering whether Jeff Anderson (Randal) is on board with the project, and planning massive viewing parties for when they can finally illegally download the movie and screen it at home. I'd been crossing my fingers, toes and crossing d*cks with a friend of mine, hoping beyond hope that Smith would knock off his constant whining about retiring and get his fat ass to work penning the grand finale to the Clerks trilogy. Honestly, even if this third Clerks sucks massive ass (or some wondrous/awful sh*t like a dude f*cking a donkey), I will still pay money to see it, out of sentimental Gen X loyalty -- and I doubt I'll be the only one, since I still hear plenty of people say, "I'm not even supposed to BE here today."

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It's Ripley! And that guy from Terminator!
3. Alien F-F-F-Five
I will love, respect and lust after Sigourney Weaver until she is dead, and probably for a time thereafter. And I would be completely, 100 percent behind an Alien V, as long as Weaver is in it (she hasn't been in one since 1997), and Ridley Scott can find it within his scope of creativity to marry the concepts of Prometheus and the Alien franchise into something that more closely resembles Alien. Last year Prometheus was heavily billed as a prequel to the first Alien movie, and failed miserably, ending up instead a colossal failure of a spin-off with a badly muddled plot, lousy acting and writing that made my brain hurt. But it's not too late for Scott to squash this Prometheus crap and reboot a proper fifth Alien -- maybe set on Earth this time. The last Internet nugget I gleaned regarding Weaver and a possible new Alien movie was her passing on a script/concept, but saying she would be on board for another film if she liked the script.

My advice to Scott: Quit screwing around, sell your soul to Satan or Disney or whatever, and get Weaver a script she likes so we have an Alien 5. No matter what movie results, I'll still sit my ass in a theater chair, buy some $80 popcorn and a $20 soda, and enjoy every minute of it.

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4 comments
chill6759
chill6759

Question: Why the FUCK did Paramount find it necessary to airbrush the living shit out of that promo shot of Kirk & Spock 2.0?  Seriously, they're good looking enough fellows without that weird soft-filter treatment.  FFS.

PS: Back off of Scott Bakula, Jenn, some of us old women - like maybe your mom and definitely me - find him infinitely sexier than 1960s Shat or 2013 Pine.  However, no matter how you look at it, Picard still rules.

Marcus Rose
Marcus Rose

Willy Wonka.. The johnny depp version

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