Five ways porn improves people's lives (NSFW)

Categories: Culture, Lists, Sex

avn 2013 1.jpg
All photos by Nate "Igor" Smith.
For more scenes from the 2012 Adult Video News Awards, visit our full slide show.
Legal, legitimate, adult-oriented pornography gets a tough rap sometimes, and that's a tear-leaking shame -- because what consenting adults do in their spare time, in the privacy of their own homes (and a few seedy theaters), should be off limits to prudish scrutiny and judgment. Reading skin mags, watching flick-it-flicks and scoping the occasional Penthouse Forum doesn't make anyone bad; in fact, indulging in some stress-relieving, mood-enhancing jug-a-jug is one of the surest ways to achieve that which we all lust after: happiness, harmony, focus and most of all, truly effective cognitive dissonance.

Here's a list of five ways that porn makes people's lives better. And remember: Lube rhymes with boob.

See also:
- 2013 AVN Awards: The Stars Get Ready (NSFW)
- About Cherry reveals why we like porn
- 2013 AVN Awards: Porn's Biggest Night (NSFW)

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For more scenes from the 2012 Adult Video News Awards, visit our full slide show.
5. Porn keeps single people from committing daily homicides
We all know "That Guy/Girl" -- the one who is perpetually and miserably single, nursing strawberry daiquiris and putrid, self-loathing attitudes every night at bars and parties. Every time one of their mouths open, we already have an idea of what crusty, alienated rants will spew forth about how everybody else in the 'verse has someone but them, no one will ever love them, and "Just one more daiquiri--make it a double." It's easy to think about what they do when they stumble home with fruity rum breath -- listen to The Crow soundtrack, close their black curtains and snuggle their cats -- but before all that (or after, maybe) they should pop on a nudie flick and do a righteous round of self-pity jerking. The rest of us should be thankful, nay, grateful for their porno masturbating, because those same wretched husks would probably be out strangling kittens or bar cronies if they didn't have porn as an outlet.

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For more scenes from the 2012 Adult Video News Awards, visit our full slide show.
4. It keeps couples from breaking up
After you've been in any relationship for a while, no matter how hot and soul-shattering the sex was in the beginning, you get bored and irritated looking at and nibbling on the same set of anatomy over and over and over again, and wish for some stalemate-breaking mag or movie so you can at least pretend you are diddling someone else's fruit basket for a while. Pornography is not just needed during these times of crushing monotony, it's a crucial element in keeping couples together when -- let's face it -- they'd rather be just about anywhere other than sitting on the couch watching Netflix and eating beef stroganoff TV dinners with the same partner they just got done arguing with over what to watch on Netflix.

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For more scenes from the 2012 Adult Video News Awards, visit our full slide show.
3. Porn teaches people how to fuck properly
Gods help me, if the guy who punched my V-card had watched even a little more porn, I have a feeling my first time would have been infinitely more satisfying. I lost my virginity to a guy named "Crash," a drummer in a Queensryche cover band, in the back of somebody's dad's 1970s molesto-van (complete with bubble windows and shag carpeting) at a Guns 'N Roses/Metallica concert, and the whole sordid affair was over in about three minutes -- and two of those minutes were spent hiking my skirt back down and re-tousling my hair for the show. Needless to say, the experience left everything to be desired, and I was pretty disappointed that my poor hymen went out with a whimper instead of a bang. If my erstwhile partner had spent more time watching porno DVDs and less time listening to craptastic Queensryche CDs, chances are good that I would have had an evening to remember -- in a good way.

Continue reading for our top two reasons.


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26 comments
Michēal Gęrtjë
Michēal Gęrtjë

One in the hands is worth two in the bush ??? Wha??? I'm pretty sure e if people weren't watching it they'd be doing it... You could probably say the same thing about FACEBOOK.

Rob Payne
Rob Payne

That is a waaaay over generalized statement.

James Speiser
James Speiser

You've got a blues and jazz city and you talk about this?

Chris Tree Williams
Chris Tree Williams

I am consistently amazed how you guys (westword) are almost always on the wrong side. Whatever happened to your coverage of bands? Porn destroys men. And the women are caught in the fallout.

Morgan Charboneau
Morgan Charboneau

any addiction, to anything, can cause people to lose their job, family, friends, and a grasp of their own life. any addiction. porn is not the problem, its the person who cant handle their own problems, and turn to porn/alcohol/drugs/hoarding.... thats the real problem

Morgan Charboneau
Morgan Charboneau

as much as it could set an unrealistic expectation... it can also make someones sex life better... honestly, my old bf showed me what he likes, (I was open to it) we both learned new ways to satisfy in the bedroom... I personally feel like you just have to be open to new ideas, while also staying comfortable. there is still plenty of porn that is just not my thing. but it was a great tool to help our relationship. for most people, yes its an unrealistic expectation... but probably because the relationship to begin with is not as open or comfortable. if you and your partner can watch porn and even laugh at some of it.. if you're comfortable and trusting of each other, it makes it easier to let each other know what you like. different strokes for different folks. :)

Rachel Moyle
Rachel Moyle

Yeah it also probably does more damage in setting unrealistic expectations of what love making is. This publication is so yellow.

Dustin Huett
Dustin Huett

I think it goes both ways forks are great but in the wrong hands they are a dangerous weapon

John Kapral
John Kapral

Only 5? Underachievers, or editorial deadline?

Adam Winterhof
Adam Winterhof

Yes because she addiction, people losing jobs and broken homes are a real "boon"? Really?

Empyrean Eclipse
Empyrean Eclipse

It has certainly improved the lives of everyone at Empyrean Eclipse

orson
orson

bottom line, if more people were satisfying their partner's sexual needs there would be less porn sites, strip clubs, prostitutes, cheating, divorces, etc, etc...it really is that simple

gftw
gftw

Eww. Jenn talking about sex. Eww eww.

Eric Delgado
Eric Delgado

Yes...because blaming other people's porn use for their discomfort or dissatisfaction with their own lives is sad.

Skid Jarrett Gilmore
Skid Jarrett Gilmore

Sh*t, HalfAspen or whoever could have told you that. Probably ask a stoner or a Mexican even, not to mention Dan Savage.

Craig Hammersmith
Craig Hammersmith

I'm actually only a few miles from work, so no comment aside from if I was Ms. Haddox' husband I'd be dancing around in a Kevlar vest, 24/7.

orson
orson

@orson

supply and demand, the less you get the more you want...the more you get the less you want...unless you have an addiction problem

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