The five dumbest celebrity products ever pushed on the public
Maria Sharapova, the number two-ranked World Tennis Association player and former Sports Illustrated swimsuit model, just launched a line of boutique candies -- including little lemon-lime tennis balls. This seems a little weird, considering Sharapova's athleticism and the nation's current examination of sugary sweets -- but then, this country has a long and proud history of celebrity-pushed products that range from somewhat useful to completely inane.
Here's our list of the five dumbest celebrity products ever pushed on the public. Paul Newman gets a free pass, because those salad dressings really are delicious.
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5. Jessica Simpson's edible beauty products
I feel no yummy from this.
Our favorite purtiest-girl-in-the-whole-trailer-park, Jessica Simpson came out with a line of edible beauty products, Dessert Treats, including lotions, perfumes and lipglosses, back in 2005, which had her proving to the world yet again -- or still -- that she's dumber than a box of press-on nails in more than one category. While I wholeheartedly support the idea that beauty products should smell nice and should make the people who buy them smell nice as well, and agree that lipgloss is much better when it tastes like something edible (chocolate frosting, onion rings or maybe pears) and that other good-tasting stuff you smear on body parts (that aren't face-lips) shouldn't be exclusive to the exotic adult products industry, still, who could take Jessica Simpson seriously?
As soon as she opens her mouth, she spoils her own hotness. And anyway, beauty products should not be used for nutritive purposes: We have food for that.
4. Slippers by Snooki
This is exactly what you should expect from Snooki.
Everyone's favorite pickle-munching oompa loompa, Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi got really famous really fast for a score of reasons, including being drunk, horny, irritating and orange. In 2010 the Jersey Shore star decided to channel her pan-flash popularity into creating her own line of slippers, Happy Feet, designed to look like over-stuffed tennis shoes. The inevitable leopard-print ones are half a step down from trailer-park chic, and wearing them will almost surely get you photographed for that "People of Wal-Mart" website.
3. Dan Aykroyd's vodka
Good vodka--great bottle.
Most people love Dan Aykroyd. Most people love vodka. So when he introduced his line of Crystal Head vodka in 2007, it seemed like a good match. And the vodka bottles are actually really cool: glass human skulls with wood stoppers. The selling point is that the bottles are an homage to the archaeological mystery of the thirteen ancient crystal heads found around the world, from the American Southwest to Tibet; they've been dated between 5,000 and 35,000 years BC, and are hewn from solid quartz chunks, smooth-polished but with no tool marks. What all this has to do with vodka is....nothing, but when you are as rich and famous as Aykroyd, you can pretty much do whatever you want and attach whatever meaning to it that you want.
The vodka is filtered through quartz crystals, which in theory may add some spiritual quality to the clear booze, but in reality the stuff tastes like vodka -- decent vodka, but still. The only real payoff is the bottle, particularly during the holidays, when you can get a gift pack with little matching glass skull shotglasses. Dan really should have just gone into the decanter business and skipped all the crazy.
Continue reading for the stupidest shills.