Five things people shouldn't wear in Denver when it's snowing
Denver weather is unpredictable, as we all know with piles of snow landing on this city in mid-April, while lucky bastards in other places are already planting spring vegetables. And thanks to our local meteorologists, (who can't predict weather any better than drunk psychic televangelists), we never really know what to wear when we leave our houses. But there are no viable excuses for putting misguided fashion sense over basic safety and comfort. So here's our list of five things that people shouldn't wear in Denver when it's snowing. And as we are all intimately aware, snow comes early, often, late...and often.
5. Sandals with socks
Denver is not the cheapest city in the world to live in, but it's also pretty far from being the most expensive, which is why I find it hard to believe that there are so many people here who can afford nice sandals -- but don't have enough left over for a decent pair of snow boots. Common sense would dictate that when the ground has frozen, wet stuff on it, you should wear shoes that cover your feet. But I have seen numb-toed dipshits slogging down sidewalks wearing socks and sandals when there's snow on the ground (so it's obvious this wasn't a wardrobe accident, because it wasn't snowing earlier) and even a few really special folks wearing Crocs. I dunno which is more stupid: sporting sandals or plastic clogs with holes in them in the slush. Either way, I feel truly sorry for the people in the buildings they are walking into, who have to clean up the soggy sock-drippings off of the floors.
4. Expensive shoes of any kind
I understand the want, or need, to buy expensive footwear. Shoes, boots, heels or even pricy flip-flips make your feet look cool, are usually made from finer materials than the cheaper versions, and often last a lot longer -- making high-dollar footgear a good investment. So why, then, would anyone plod the snowy, mushy streets of Denver in shoes that are ill-equipped for bad weather...and way too expensive to ruin? I wonder why these people don't just use the age-old trick of changing shoes from snow-friendly ones to nicer ones once they get to work, or inside whatever warm, dry, freezing water-free place that's their destination? Who, exactly, are they trying to impress--other idiots? Watching people ruin expensive shoes is downright heartbreaking -- for the shoes, anyway.
3. Shorts, a tee....and a vest
Okay, so unpredictable weather changes are exactly that here in the Mile High City, and it's perfectly understandable to get caught between seasons every couple of hours if you aren't careful. Dressing in layers is a good idea, having a hoodie is a better one, and the best idea of all? Poking your head out the door for a moment to make at least a rough assessment of what weather conditions will greet your ass when you leave your house. We've all seen those ding-a-lings wandering outside, in the snow, wearing shorts, a thin, short-sleeved T-shirt...and a vest. I've always given these folks props for at least having the forethought to wear a fleece vest when it's snowing, and have usually been duly impressed by the stylish vests I've seen, all color-coordinated and the like. But keeping your thorax somewhat protected from the damp and chill while your arms and legs are gangling around picking up snowflakes? Not cute.
And for the record: This outfit does not make anyone look badass and impervious to the elements. We know your ass is cold. You are being made fun of a lot, even if it isn't out loud, to your face.
Continue reading for our top don'ts.