Five stupid things the kids are doing today to get loaded and get off
Okay so apparently the teenagers are licking each other's effin eyeballs to get freaky, as if the kids today weren't already doing enough regular, everyday stupid shit like texting and driving, not learning to read and taking nude pics of their underage selves for Internet posterity. At least us Gen Xers did the bulk of our crazy shit before the Internet got big). These little hipster spawn are coming up with some seriously creative -- and just as seriously dumb and harmful -- ways to catch some buzzes and get their junk-jollies off.
Eyeball licking. No, seriously.
Here's a list of five stupid-ass things kids are doing to get loaded and get off. And I assure you, narrowing this list down to five took some real work.
5. Putting alcohol in their eye holes
This guy's a keeper.
Pouring vodka in your eye sockets in order to get drunk faster and more efficiently seems totes legit, since moving that bottle spout a few inches downward and just drinking it, in your mouth, is so difficult. The random photos circulating online show a handful of teens mashing the pour-holes of vodka bottles against their own eyeballs, but strangely enough there seem to be no day-after photos of the same dipshits...probably because the hulking ER nurses/head-smacking parental units confiscated the smartphones until their crotch-blossoms get smarter.
And, far from actually getting you drunk, pouring alcohol into your eyes causes inflammation, clotting blood vessels, and possible burned/scarred corneas. Is this potential perma-damage enough to justify some show-off at a party? Perhaps not, and since it appears from the photos and vid clips that it's mostly teenage boys doing this, and PSA, young gentlemen -- young ladies who think this makes you awesome enough to make out with are likely not the kind of girls your parents would approve of, not to mention you are not exactly a prize catch yourself.
Thank you, teens, for ruining marine life images.
Now, here is a term that didn't actually mean what I thought it did -- and that's saying something big since what I thought it meant was pretty disturbing. Starfishing, apparently, is a gang-bang scenario where teen girls lay on a floor to make a starfish shape with their bodies (I really hope they vacuumed first) and teen boys go around them inserting themselves into each girl kinda like shoving a credit card into a pay slot at a gas pump, and the last guy to erupt "wins." Jesus-venereal-diseasing-Christ, this is what counts for friends with bennies these days? Not even getting into the preggoed and herp-ed implications of this sort of activity, what happened to the good old days of threesomes and not calling after? These kids are way too young to be doing anything sexual that is named after a sea creature, and there is a proper time and place for this sort of group thing, but it sure isn't high school -- it's called college.
Guess where it goes next?
The teen phenomenon of inserting a liquor-soaked tampon into a dry rear-end was apparently either so pervasive -- or so fantastical for the media -- it made the news on several different occasions. Apparently dunking the 'ol cooter-cotton on a string into alcohol and shoving into the nethers is a way to drunk without getting busted drinking at school, Taco Bell or drama club, which I can respect as a form of creative genius since my generation just dyed peppermint schnapps with food coloring in a mouthwash bottle, but I'm more amazed at this practice for how far kids have come with acceptance of homo-erotic culture that teenaged boys now have no qualms about taking a tampon in the arse for the greater good. Here to progress, but PSSST! Kids! Tampons aren't even supposed to go in that hole...quit skipping health class, because this and other mysteries of the human body will seriously astound and educate you well into your adult years.