Five stupid things the kids are doing today to get loaded and get off

Categories: Lists

eyeballlicking.jpg
Eyeball licking. No, seriously.
Okay so apparently the teenagers are licking each other's effin eyeballs to get freaky, as if the kids today weren't already doing enough regular, everyday stupid shit like texting and driving, not learning to read and taking nude pics of their underage selves for Internet posterity. At least us Gen Xers did the bulk of our crazy shit before the Internet got big). These little hipster spawn are coming up with some seriously creative -- and just as seriously dumb and harmful -- ways to catch some buzzes and get their junk-jollies off.

Here's a list of five stupid-ass things kids are doing to get loaded and get off. And I assure you, narrowing this list down to five took some real work.

See also:
- Is it time to quit dismissing the taste of teenage girls?
- The ten most awkward teens in pop culture
- Five sluttiest Halloween costumes for teen girls

Vodkaeye.jpg
This guy's a keeper.
5. Putting alcohol in their eye holes
Pouring vodka in your eye sockets in order to get drunk faster and more efficiently seems totes legit, since moving that bottle spout a few inches downward and just drinking it, in your mouth, is so difficult. The random photos circulating online show a handful of teens mashing the pour-holes of vodka bottles against their own eyeballs, but strangely enough there seem to be no day-after photos of the same dipshits...probably because the hulking ER nurses/head-smacking parental units confiscated the smartphones until their crotch-blossoms get smarter.

And, far from actually getting you drunk, pouring alcohol into your eyes causes inflammation, clotting blood vessels, and possible burned/scarred corneas. Is this potential perma-damage enough to justify some show-off at a party? Perhaps not, and since it appears from the photos and vid clips that it's mostly teenage boys doing this, and PSA, young gentlemen -- young ladies who think this makes you awesome enough to make out with are likely not the kind of girls your parents would approve of, not to mention you are not exactly a prize catch yourself.

Starfish.jpg
Thank you, teens, for ruining marine life images.
4. Starfishing
Now, here is a term that didn't actually mean what I thought it did -- and that's saying something big since what I thought it meant was pretty disturbing. Starfishing, apparently, is a gang-bang scenario where teen girls lay on a floor to make a starfish shape with their bodies (I really hope they vacuumed first) and teen boys go around them inserting themselves into each girl kinda like shoving a credit card into a pay slot at a gas pump, and the last guy to erupt "wins." Jesus-venereal-diseasing-Christ, this is what counts for friends with bennies these days? Not even getting into the preggoed and herp-ed implications of this sort of activity, what happened to the good old days of threesomes and not calling after? These kids are way too young to be doing anything sexual that is named after a sea creature, and there is a proper time and place for this sort of group thing, but it sure isn't high school -- it's called college.

vodkatampon.jpg
Guess where it goes next?
3. Vod-Kotex-ing
The teen phenomenon of inserting a liquor-soaked tampon into a dry rear-end was apparently either so pervasive -- or so fantastical for the media -- it made the news on several different occasions. Apparently dunking the 'ol cooter-cotton on a string into alcohol and shoving into the nethers is a way to drunk without getting busted drinking at school, Taco Bell or drama club, which I can respect as a form of creative genius since my generation just dyed peppermint schnapps with food coloring in a mouthwash bottle, but I'm more amazed at this practice for how far kids have come with acceptance of homo-erotic culture that teenaged boys now have no qualms about taking a tampon in the arse for the greater good. Here to progress, but PSSST! Kids! Tampons aren't even supposed to go in that hole...quit skipping health class, because this and other mysteries of the human body will seriously astound and educate you well into your adult years.

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67 comments
Scott Pearlman
Scott Pearlman

Complete imbeciles! It's one thing to be young and stupid (for kicks). It's a whole other thing to be just idiotic for the sake of seeking attention!

instntkrma
instntkrma

no starfishing on the interwebs, not the way being used here. Not even in a porn search. Didya need to make one up? Reference? 

Mitch Siff
Mitch Siff

Starfishing? It doesn't even exist on google.

Johnny Genova
Johnny Genova

Why are you guys posting this again? Seriously though, this story is ridiculous. Who cares what these kids are doing?

Sherry Halverson
Sherry Halverson

Licking eyeballs was never something I ever wanted to do. hmm, nope still not something I want to do. LOL..

Josh Moore
Josh Moore

These kids are a direct result of their upbringing. And the fact that media whores post all the stuff that kids aren't supposed to do, therefore glamorizing it, only makes it easier for them to discover. You can grab a Westword anytime anywhere. Full of pot ads, strippers and sex and progressive liberal bullshit. But hey.... Anything for a story right?

iuseforcefields
iuseforcefields

Please half of these things are so 1996. I mean every kid from Arvada knows about robotripping (tripping from robotussun(sp) DM). 

Justin Day
Justin Day

I highly doubt the majority of teens are doing this. Working with teens I would like to believe they are smarter then a few random weirdos.

Luke Bradley
Luke Bradley

How many times are you going to repost the same boring article?

Mitch Siff
Mitch Siff

Where does one find a Starfish video? LOL

Johnny Genova
Johnny Genova

Stupid. What happened to getting a hummer while smoking a joint like normal kids do? Then going to college and getting yourself a blow and booze problem.

James Andre
James Andre

This is what happens when kids aren't brought up properly by their parents. F'd up but true.

Alicia Herzing
Alicia Herzing

Oh my good god! And I will have a teenager someday. That's what's so terrifying

Alexa Tyler
Alexa Tyler

jesus christ. i knew about a couple of these, but starfishing??!

Beau Davis
Beau Davis

Umm...I'm 31 and people were doing #1 and #2 back when I was in high school. This list is stupid.

John Twigg
John Twigg

I think that one would have tobe pretty gullible to believe that these practices are widespread

Gene T Bonazza
Gene T Bonazza

SAD SCARY ASS SHIT-Just more Proof that this generation has NO EFFIN CLUE!!!

Dana Baltizar
Dana Baltizar

Scary as hell. Especially the Starfishing? WTF is wrong with these kids?

Damian Alexander
Damian Alexander

When I was in high school, 14 years ago in Louisiana, we would do the eye licking thing. That's ooooolllldd.

Megan Foley
Megan Foley

So gross, however your writer rocked this story. I was laughing so hard.

Juan_Leg
Juan_Leg

Complete w/ instructions !

EXCELLENT work WW !!!!

Cook1
Cook1

The single funniest thing i have read in the five years of reading, well done!!

Joseph Dalton
Joseph Dalton

Jenn Wohletz, you're an awesome writer! Totally hilarious, and I had no idea I was so oblivious to the stupid shit going down with "hipster spawn." Soooo glad I grew up in the 80s. We are the generation that can still figure out change without a calculator but still kick ass at Super Mario Bros like no one's business!

Lisa Vecchiarelli
Lisa Vecchiarelli

Horrible and disturbing! I cannot believe that in the 10 years that I've been out of high school all of this has become ”the cool” thing to do... I am scared for the future!

Desirée Saunar
Desirée Saunar

Reading this furter discourages my thoughts in one day having children...

Rana Manzi
Rana Manzi

My kid better not be licking eyeballs. Ever heard of ocular herpes?

Tyler Hawkins
Tyler Hawkins

who needs sources? i overheard it yesterday. it's obviously true.

Jeffrey Von Stetten
Jeffrey Von Stetten

I don't think anyone is really doing most of this stuff. I just seems like out there stuff that someone wants to talk about because its risqué or an unusual idea, I bet there's really not that many people doing any of this.

LiAnna Taylor
LiAnna Taylor

Who really wants to lick,, or get their eyeball licked? Seriously, Who?!

David Tysdal
David Tysdal

I like how the article has absolutely zero sources

Will Hayden
Will Hayden

Anyone wanna show me how to starfish??

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