Five things you must stop posting on Facebook

Categories: Lists

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I generally love Facebook. I spend hours a day keeping up with friendly gossip, laughing at George Takei's often-reposted memes involving vegetables, reading filthy jokes, swapping recipes for tempura broccoli fritters and watching posted vid clips of guys getting thwacked in the balls with various lawn ornaments. But then there is the torrid underbelly of Facebook -- the blocks of religious motivational posters, photos of bad tattoos, inappropriate 'shopped pics of President Obama's head atop a stripper's body, and endless proof that over half the people who graduated high school with you cannot spell. Yes, with Facebook and every other damn social media site you have to take the rough with the smooth, but there are days when a little more smooth -- and a little less of the reposted picture of the egg in the avocado -- would be nice.

Here are the five things I hate seeing people post on Facebook. Feel free to repost this list...on Facebook.

See also:
- There's a Facebook inside my Facebook's Facebook
- Unfriending on Facebook often kills actual friendships, study shows
- My fake Facebook engagement to a gay guy

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5. Vague, passive-aggressive musings with "no intended recipient(s)"
We've all seen this -- somebody in your feed posts something like: "And you can go suck a #$%^& into your %^&* and then *&^% your mother's #$%^& until she %$#^ in your #$*&^ you worthless, lice-ridden, foul-breathed, shit-stained bag of *&^%$!!!!!" That somebody is really, really mad, and making sure everyone knows it....except when you have the temerity to type in and ask whoduhell they are talking about, it's always, "Oh, nobody in particular." Even more annoying than this is the whimsical, poetic post that goes: "Like a bird falling from a tree, I understand that you don't love me," usually followed by a sad emoticon. And when you go to offer digital comfort or pixel-pats, you get this: "I don't want to talk about it."

Look, if you don't want to talk about something, don't want people to try and make you feel better or don't want anyone to empathize with your situation, then don't start the process by blurting out nebulous keyboard musings on Facebook.

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4. Game invites
I get it: Candy Crush Saga is neato and fun, you discovered it ten days ago, and since that day you have not bathed, eaten a hot meal at a table, or worn anything but jammie-jams because you simply must align those colors! But here's the deal, sweeties: There are something like 45 million other people who are trying their damnest to get the first score star, who are equally as diligent about not showering or going outdoors, and every single fucking one of them has sent me an invite to play with them since this time-sucking, virtual sugar vortex began.

I do not want to play Candy Crush Saga now, or ever. I also don't want to play any incarnation of FarmVille, Angry Birds or anything Zynga and Facebook are trying to shove into my consciousness -- and wallet -- via you and your ilk. In case I wasn't clear enough, all of you who play Candy Crush can kiss my Holiday Nuts, take Mr. Toffee and plan a permanent vacation to the Fudge Islands.

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Look! It's a baby doing absolutely nothing!
3. Photos of every single thing your kids/pets do every day
It's bad enough that my feed is constantly clogged with every single person's photos of their newborns, puppies and kittens (and the occasional nest of baby albino corn snakes) like they are the first people in the known universe to ever breed/adopt/witness the miracle of life, but the folks who treat every day on Facebook as a freakish farm of photo galleries starring your kids and critters need to either run out of camera batteries or do some serious life-diversification.

Don't get me wrong -- I like puppehs, kittehs and some baybehs, but when my feed looks like a nursery or an ad for a local pet shelter, it's time you moved on to the wild world of Caring About Other Things, and please believe me when I say that everyone else who sees your posts will understand that you still love your kids and pets thiiiiiiiis much if you don't upload 35 photos a day of them eating, sleeping and sitting there not doing anything remotely interesting.


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78 comments
Brent Boland
Brent Boland

How did incessant stories about Juggallos not make the list?

Toby Hartman
Toby Hartman

The last thing I think about when I post something is who likes it or who doesn't. I don't really care if you like it or hate it, it's MY Facebook page and I'll post whatever I feel like posting, if you don't like it, take me off your news feed.

Pamela Millard Priest
Pamela Millard Priest

If you don't want to see the invites, then just adjust what you see from that person.

Michael Beckerman
Michael Beckerman

Well, now wait just a darn minute here! If people stop posting images of their meals, how will we ever know exactly what they had for lunch every single day? By that very same token, if they don't actually updates us on every time time they either go to or come from the gym, how will we ever be able to keep up on how their work outs are progressing on a day-by-day basis? I'm not sure I like the sound of this.

Joshua Tree
Joshua Tree

I'm pretty sure the Denver Westword only makes "Lists of things we hate/despise about you terrible people" style posts.

jcolky
jcolky

I'm pretty sure Denver Westword only makes "Lists of things we hate/despise about you terrible people" style posts.

Dave Shuck
Dave Shuck

Lose the duck lips and "droppin' deuces" poses, especially if you're over twenty-five.

Suni Daze
Suni Daze

Who cares what you dont like !! ENFRIEND ME !!! Im a gamer and will send you endless invites !!

Schittphaiç Magü
Schittphaiç Magü

Five things Facebook needs more of: 1. drunken nude photos 2. flame wars 3. Maddox 4. blood, guts, and/or gore 5. RAEP

Schittphaiç Magü
Schittphaiç Magü

Finally, Court. A post you don't experience endless butthurt over.

Jackie White
Jackie White

Just my opinion... Liking a bad news post, doesn't have to mean you *like* it... But acknowledging the news...

David Court
David Court

Finally westword . A list we can all agree on. I'd like to add (though not actually a post) everyone must stop "liking" posts that contain bad news. IE: you like "my grandmother died"

Ben Owens
Ben Owens

And your food. Eat it don't tweet it!

Randal Friedman
Randal Friedman

stop posting pictures of food to. It looks like &^%$

Aaron Wells
Aaron Wells

Oh, Come on no e-cards? I only see those over 5 times a day and none of them are funny.

Ben Beeby
Ben Beeby

Since most of us are posting all those pictures of our kids for our relatives, I really dont care if one of my 30 something friends is annoyed. Feel free to make me an acquaintance and then you wont have to see all my posts. I guess this shows that this writer has no idea how to work the setting on FB, so therefore they are unqualified to write about it as some type of expert.

Schittphaiç Magü
Schittphaiç Magü

By the way, bitching about news feeds from certain alternative weekly publications tends to defeat the purpose of "liking" said publications to begin with. Derp!

Dave Hankins
Dave Hankins

So far, Manny, 3 out of the 4 of us who have commented on this agree.

Dave Hankins
Dave Hankins

OK, smart guy, hiding would defeat the purpose of liking the page. It would be less work for them to not rerun the same thing multiple times over on MY news feed.

Stormi Silengo
Stormi Silengo

Or rules about posting whiny remarks about whiny comments on one's own news feed.

Schittphaiç Magü
Schittphaiç Magü

It appears utilizing the "hide" feature is just too much darn work for some folks.

Schittphaiç Magü
Schittphaiç Magü

Maybe there should also be a rule about posting incessant whiny comments about one's own news feed.

Stormi Silengo
Stormi Silengo

Is there a rule about you guys re-posting this article 6 times? Cause I'd like to add that to the list.

Dave Hankins
Dave Hankins

How about reposting this for at least the 3rd time that I know of?

Alex Danger Bruce
Alex Danger Bruce

Why post this twice? This musing was lame and unamusing the first time around.

Laura Bruns
Laura Bruns

It's not even technically a sentence since there isn't a period after it.

Jean Smith
Jean Smith

pretty amusing, I must say; we have all been there or on the brink of there...

Schittphaiç Magü
Schittphaiç Magü

So says the narcissistic "fetishist" bitch complaining about other complainers. Derp!

Schittphaiç Magü
Schittphaiç Magü

It was already abnormally high. FB and other social networking outlets (like the nearly defunct MySpace) simply tapped into that latent narcissism and helped these folks rationalize it.

Schittphaiç Magü
Schittphaiç Magü

Physical prowess was overcome with the discovery of gun powder centuries ago. Just ask all of the morbidly obese, bespectacled, and/or aging gun nutters. :D

Susan Niemi-Mick
Susan Niemi-Mick

When people complain about how sick they are of people complaining...yeah I love that.

Nicole N'aipaspeur
Nicole N'aipaspeur

If any of you idiots are on Facebook often enough to notice any of these then that's your stupid fault!

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